Somnia Moon

Chapter 14: Romance

Rowen wasted over an hour sobbing uncontrollably, Asha cradled in her arms, whimpering as if seeing her this upset hurt her also. All hope she had felt before had been completely obliterated. Nothing could stop her; she really was a monster. The kind of person parents told their children about in order to encourage them to behave. The kind of person that made people frightened to leave their homes. It would be better for everyone if she was dead, herself included. Living like this just wasn't worth it. Why was she even still trying? When she found who she was looking for, and she would find them, there was no way they would accept her, no matter how close they had once been. Because what had she become since then? Everything that he had tried so hard to prevent. Everything that she had tried to warn him about. Everything that she didn't want to be.

It seemed each time she broke like this she found it more and more difficult to fix herself, and she knew one day the damage would become unrepairable, and she would no longer be able to continue living. But that day was not today, and she stood back up, banishing all negative thoughts from her mind. Yes, they probably wouldn't want to see her, but she had to keep trying, because she had nothing else.

Wiping her tears away, Rowen picked up a compact mirror from where it sat on the desk and opened it, checking the damage to her make-up. Her eyeliner was smeared, and some of her concealer had washed away, revealing the dull grey circles under her eyes that came from many sleepless nights. It took her hours to get to sleep every night, terrified due to the knowledge that the minute she let herself slip into unconsciousness the nightmares would ensnare her, trap her, torture her until she woke not long after to the sound of her own screams. And then, having had two, maybe three if she was lucky, hours sleep, her sobs would keep her awake for the rest of the night.

She sat down at the desk and opened the bag of make-up that she had kept there ever since Christina's visit. As she reapplied the products, she wondered if others saw the deep rooted pain that she saw reflected in her own eyes.

When she was done, she pulled the folder closer to her. She stopped before she opened it. She shouldn't. It was too risky. But she couldn't stand the thought of being alone right now, even if she did have Asha.

Rowen picked up the folder and left the office, leaving Asha inside, and crossed the hall to the library. When she entered, Evan was still sat at the table, and he looked up at her, smiled briefly then looked back down. Slightly hesitant, Rowen took a deep breath, then walked towards the table and sat down beside him.

"Hey." Evan said, looking a little surprised, and he gave her a friendly smile.

"Hey." Rowen replied, just about managing to return the smile. They sat in silence for a while, and she opened the folder, beginning to examine the maps.

"Are you ok? You're shaking." Evan observed, his voice slightly unsure. Rowen balled her hands into fists to stop them trembling, and placed them in her lap.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" He asked, and she merely nodded. There was a slight pause. "I saw what happened. Do you...want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Ok. But it might help if you do."

"I doubt it." She felt tears beginning to form and closed her eyes, determined not to cry again when she'd only just managed to calm down. There was another pause.

"So...if you don't want to talk...why did you come over?"

The truth was, she actually did want to talk, but knew she couldn't. She knew exactly how much Evan had to deal with already, and had known ever since she stopped him from launching himself from the edge of a cliff, so she just couldn't burden him with all of her problems. Besides, she still didn't completely trust him – he was friends with Alex, Zoe and Holly, after all.