everything, everthing

fault

❁

mom wordlessly collects all of our game sheets from pictionary. she keeps all of the really good and really bad ones in a separate stack that we look through like a photo album. she cracks a smile and hands me a picture that she drew. mom's a terrible artist and somehow i'm able to guess her drawing. we're dysfunctional in that sort of way.

"how were you able to guess cow out of this?" she laughs a little. i stare at the piece of paper lying in my hands. it's a round creature with horns sticking out of its head and the face drawn like a human's.

i shrug a little. "you're an awful artist," i hand her the paper back and her smile fades. the week mom took off from work, she took care of me. taking my hourly vitals and sighing with relief whenever it was okay. she would say that we had gotten out lucky.

the only good thing about this whole situation was that mom and i were able to spend more time together. i think that's it. there was no messaging with farkle and i couldn't update my tumblr music suggestions. mom even postponed the face to face lesson i was going to have with mr. matthews until further notice.

"i had a great time with you this week," she tries to lighten the mood. it's not working. mentally i want to run up the stairs and lock myself in my room. or even go outside just to see farkle again.

i squeeze her hand and reply, "me too." we stay like that for a moment or two before i slip my hand away. the tension grew a lot after shawn left. the glue that held us together left. what go we do without glue?

"i was able to hire a new nurse," mom says. she continues to clean up as i hug a throw pillow.

i nod. mom offered to allow me to be a part of the interview process but i didn't want to face the reality that shawn in really gone. he won't bring me a turkey sandwich every turkey tuesday and no more talking about farkle.

"i have to go back to work tomorrow,"

"i know,"

"i wish i didn't have to leave you,"

"i'll be fine,"

all of my internet access is gone and revoked. i have nothing to do but play around with my music in the music room. maybe make some new songs about my sorrow, depressing.

mom and i barely talked though. we only discussed about things during games and meals. that was it and we were okay with that. no more feeding with my lies about farkle, my health and my life.

"what are you thinking about?" she breaks the silence.

"i miss shawn,"

"i know, i miss him too. but i would be a horrible mother if i let him stay. you could have died out there maya," mom says sternly.

my anger was slowly piling up after all this time. how could she just dismiss the fact that she threw shawn out? her husband? the love of her life?

"shawn was my step dad," i whispered.

"and he was my husband. i thought he knew better than to risk your life. loved ones aren't supposed to give you false hope," the tone in her voice had a hint of disappointment in it. you could clearly tell.

i must have looked as stricken as i felt. she wiped the sweat on her jeans and kneeled down to me. "oh i'm sorry baby girl,"

that's when it really is true. shawn is gone. farkle is gone. everyone is gone. riley and lucas won't be able to visit for a while either. nothing will ever be the same.

mom will probably let me have internet again and farkle and i can message. but you would he able to feel the awkwardness and how much we would rather be in each other's arms. that was the last contact with him i'll probably ever have. shit.

another silence followed. that's the third in a row.

"tell me about him,"

i've wanted to tell her everything. i didn't know where to begin so i started at the beginning. i talked about how we first met and the impressions we had on each other. i told her about his ocean eyes that kept me trapped and how he viewed life like polaroids. i explained how messed up his family life is and that we were able to save each other. me from his family and him from my reality.

my mom starting crying with me. i felt nice to get everything off my chest.

"i can see why you liked him so much,"

i just nod again.

"i'm sorry you're sick,"

"it's not your fault,"

"is there anything you want me to do," she asked.

"can i have my internet access back?" i tried so hard. i wanted to so badly.

"you know i can't baby girl," she sighed. "that way you won't get a broken heart.

"love can't kill me," i recite shawn's words.

"oh honey, it sure can."

❁

you guys are insane, 3k reads already!
i love y'all so much and thank you
for reading.

much love,
saerin