everything, everthing

leaving

❁

i don't remember much, just sounds and few sights. the ambulance, something being shot into my leg. people in hospital gowns and doctors flashing before me. farkle's ocean blue eyes appearing to be dark and full of love. my mother arriving, her eyes dripping with tears. soon enough on a plane ride home the smell of gasoline too familiar for me. landing in what felt more foreign than france and in a home that felt farther than one.

-

mom has changed my entire room into what looks like a hospital. i'm glued to the bed, ivs running through my arms and me just constantly sleeping. each time i open my eyes, mom is there to greet me. she checks my temperature and asks the same questions. i want to answer with "i'm fine" but a "no" just leaves my mouth.

her skin is almost translucent, mom never looked worse. her voice trembled every time she talked until eventually it broke.

"how could you do this to me?" she cries. i want to hold onto her and comfort her but my body tells me otherwise. "you could have died out there! then what would i do? where would i be?" her voice is angry now.

i don't know how to approach the situation. i has the best time in paris. i fell in love, i saw amazing sights and explored culture. all while i was outside on my own. so how come i feel so guilty for doing something i've always wanted to?

love is strange making the end result sometimes not worth it.

love is something i never want to go through again.

❁