You Don't Know My Story

paralyzed

  5 years later:

    I am now 15. I know you want to know what happened thoes five years. Well nothing changed. My grandpa molested me. He took advantage of me. I bet u are really curious as to why I didn't tell nobody not even my sister. My sister had betrayed us she said things. She told people my mom abused us. She wanted us to get tooken away. I didn't understand why she lied but, I can't change what she said. I was so young that I didn't realize that she needed help.
   As the years went by lies where told. Secrets where kept. How am I? I'm fine.  That's what I'm supposed to say right? When people ask how you are they expect you to say you are good. They never really want to talk about what's wrong and neither did I. My whole life I felt like I fucked up. Like I am the reason they are like this. Is this really how life is gunna be because if so I don't wanna be alive.
    One day I got back from my grandpa's. He had done something that broke me for good. I had to act as if everything was ok. I got in the shower, as I sat down letting the water hit my back all my thoughts rushed through my head. All my memories, all my experiences came back. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I sat in the shower crying thinking to myself "would it be better if I just ended it, if I just ended my life all my problem would be gone." After my shower u took a razor and dug it through my wrists. Blood came oozing out as did my tears. I sat on the cold bedroom floor as blood came creeping out. I noticed when I cut it released all the pain and everything I was trying to shove deep down inside. Thoes feelings never stayed buried away. Cutting was a new way to release this pain. That was a thing I did now. I no longer had any feeling anymore not love, happy, and confidence. I never really had confidence because I could never really speak my voice. I was no longer a person who felt things besides the pain in my wrists. I was now paralyzed. Would or could I even be happy again?
   I didn't just hurt my wrists. I hurt myself by not telling. I let myself keep this secret I was to scared to tell and for what the asswhole who was supposed to be my grandpa. I was so sick of it. I fucking hate you. You took my innocence. You took the only thing I had a chance at. A normal life , a life I could love, a life that I look forward to, a life where instead of cutting my wrists I would draw on them. I am tired of being the girl who on the outside had so many friends and smiled and laughed and pretended she was fine. I'm sick of waking up everyday knowing that you where still breathing. I'm sick of knowing that no matter what I say you would make me come back. I didn't wish I was dead I wished you where dead but your not so maybe I should be. I thought about so many ways I could kill my self and explain to you as why I did it. Instead of killing myself I just numbed myself. Pills. So many of them. I would take a bunch of pills at once. They took all my feelings and told them to fuck off. That's all I needed. What more could god give to me worse than this. I spoke to soon.