My one and only Love

Chapter 18

“Why do I have to do this?” Maya asked Topanga as they sat in the psychiatrist’s waiting room together. Maya sat with her arms crossed over her chest, half pouting, clearly not wanting to be there.

“Sweetheart, I should be apologizing to you for not bringing you sooner. You should talk to someone about losing your mom. I really think it will help if you just talk about how you’re feeling.”

“I don’t need to talk to anyone, I’m okay. I just had a bad day.” Maya protested, brows furrowed as she looked to Topanga.

“Maya, listen to me.” She moved in close, taking the young blonde’s hand. “You are still my amazon warrior, getting a little help and talking to someone doesn’t make you anything less.”

Doctor Embry’s door opened and a round faced woman around 40 came to the door, she wore a nice pant suit and smiled as she looked out to Maya and Topanga. “Maya? You can both come in now.” She stepped back inside, holding open the door to let them both in. “Have a seat.” She motioned to the couch across from her arm chair. Topanga sat with Maya at her side nervously picking at a hole in her jeans. “Maya, I understand that you lost your mother last summer.” Maya just nodded, her eyes focused on her jeans.

Topanga’s hand went to Maya’s back and rubbed softly. “Yes, Maya’s mother passed away suddenly last summer, things have been a little hectic since then.”

“And you’re her guardian, Mrs. Matthews?” Doctor Embry asked. Topanga confirmed. “I’d like to speak with Maya alone for a bit and then I’m going to call you back in.”

Maya’s head shot up then and Topanga leaned in and kissed the top of her head as she stood. “It’s okay, I’m right in the waiting room.” Maya didn’t like feeling nervous, but she felt like she was going to be judged by this doctor, and it would somehow show all over her face that she was crazy because she needed to see a shrink.

Doctor Embry looked over at Maya, watching her body language closely. After a long silence, Dr. Embry spoke up. “Maya?” And she looked up but didn’t raise her head much. “We don’t have to talk about your mom right now, we can talk about anything you’d like. We can talk about the Matthews, or school. Or why you think they wanted you to come talk to me when you didn’t want to?”

Maya swallowed hard and shrugged. “I just had a bad day.” And as Dr. Embry continued to look at her she took in a deep breath and continued. “It was mother’s day and I didn’t want to be home for all that so I went to hang out with my boyfriend and I cried some. It wasn’t a big deal. I’m fine.” She told her doctor, arms crossing over her chest.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you crying on mother’s day. Had to be a hard day for you. It was good of your boyfriend to be there for you.” Maya just shrugged. “Want to tell me about him?”

“No.” Maya answered simply. She didn’t know this woman, and she didn’t want her getting into the personal details of her life.

“Maya?” She began softly once more. “Do you consider yourself happy?”

Maya’s brow furrowed a little as she looked up. “I dunno.” She said.

“I heard you ran away last year.” Maya huffed a little at that one. How much had Topanga already told this woman?! “I heard you were really unhappy with your living situation and made your way across a few states alone.” Another shrug. “Do you still feel that way? Like running away?” Maya chewed at the inside of her cheek for a second and shrugged. “Can you tell me why you ran away before? I know what Mrs. Matthews said, but I’d really like to hear it from you.”

“Kermit came after mom died and made me go with him.”

“Kermit?”

“My dad.” Maya replied in a monotone voice. “Topanga tried to keep me with her, but he took her to court to make me go home with him.” Maya had no idea how much the bitterness showed in her voice. “I didn’t want to go. So I left.”

“Were you scared travelling that far alone?” Maya shook her head. “I think I would have been at your age.” Maya didn’t give her much response to that one. “Where did you go when you ran away? Where did you sleep and eat?”

“I went into Riley’s bedroom window after the Matthews had gone to bed and slept with her. Snuck back in after they left to eat. Or I went to Josh’s dorm room and hung out at NYU.”

“Josh?”

“My boyfriend.”

“Oh, I see. Is he part of the reason you wanted to stay in New York.”

Maya eyed her a little. “No.” She said sharply. “We weren’t together then.”

“Hmm. You never did answer me before. Do you ever still feel like running away?”

“I don’t know, maybe?” Maya shrugged a little. “I don’t want to. I’m where I want to be, but sometimes it pops into my head I guess.”

“Well sometimes when we’re unhappy with something that we’re having trouble facing, we put that feeling on another aspect of our life. Do you think it’s possible you’re feeling that way?” Maya shrugged. “What do you like to do outside of school? Any hobbies?”

Maya shrugged again, still feeling weird sitting here talking to this woman about her life. “Not really.”

“What do you do in your free time?” Maya shrugged again. “Spend time with Riley? Or maybe Josh?” She asked, watching Maya’s reactions and knowing that Maya’s free time went to her boyfriend. “So you knew Josh before you got together, did he go to your school?” Head shake. “How’d you meet?”

“He’s Riley’s uncle.”

“Uncle?” Doctor Embry hesitated for a second and Maya could see it in her eyes.

“He’s 19.” And the doctor looked relieved for a moment, but didn’t address it verbally.

“I see. That’s quite an age difference, does it make it hard that he’s in college.”

“No. Can we talk about something else?” Maya blurted out. Josh was the best thing in her life, she didn’t want to share that with this woman and she’d said as much before.

“Of course. Think you’re ready to talk a little about your mom?”

Maya’s eyes went a little dull and her voice monotone. “She’s dead. She’s not coming back. Nothing else to talk about.”

“I think there might be a little more to talk about.”

“You know how you asked me if I ever feel like running away again? Well you’re making me feel like leaving right now.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Maya, that’s not my intention at all. I just want to know how you’re feeling and help you get it out. See, I believe that all the bad things you feel and hold in just bundle together until you have a big ball of anger inside you festering and making you feel miserable. And if you can get it out then the ball gets a little smaller and it can’t eat at you any longer.”

Maya’s brow rose some, eyeing the woman cynically. And then she scoffed. “You’re kidding right? You think if I sit here and open up to a stranger about being upset I lost my mom I’ll get that out and it won’t bother me anymore? That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. Talking about something doesn’t take away anything bad in your life. My mother will still be gone, she’ll be gone for everything that happens to me in my life and every time she misses something, every time I need her and she’s gone I’m going to feel it all again and again.” Maya stood as she spoke and went to the door, pulling it open roughly. “I want to go.” She told Topanga, walking right out of the lobby and into the hall.

Topanga stood, bewildered and stepped into the office with an inquisitive look. “I know that looked bad but, honestly, it’s going as expected.” Doctor Embry began. “Maya is a very angry and sad girl who has spent a long time holding things in. I think with some work she’ll be okay and I’d like to see her weekly.”