My one and only Love

chapter 29

Kermit sat down on the couch beside his daughter and grandson. They had been home for a week now and Maya was trying to settle into a routine. She was tired, but she wasn’t unhappy, every time she looked at Matthew she found a calm inside her. “Come see grandpa.” Kermit said, reaching out for the baby Maya had just finished changing.

“Good timing.” Maya told him, handing over the baby and standing to go toss out the diaper.

“Yeah, I waited till you were done.” Kermit joked, settling in on the sofa with the baby on his chest. “Come sit with me, let’s talk.” She sat back down and let out a yawn as she looked over at her father holding Matthew. She didn’t expect to be here in her life, but she was thankful for them all, they’d all tried to help, even her little sisters did what they could. “I want to talk to you about Joshua.” Kermit began and Maya immediately sighed. “Now wait, hear me out Maya.” So she shifted in her seat and let him speak. “I made a big mistake with you, I left and I was wrong. I will never be able to fix that.” Maya frowned a little, not expecting it to go here.

“Dad, I…”

“I know that it hurt you, it hurt you more than I will ever fully understand.” He told her softly. “I don’t want your son to feel like his father abandoned him.” Maya froze then, staring at her baby. He stretched his legs and let his toes pop out of the blanket and her sinuses burned as her eyes welled. “I know he didn’t leave you, I know why you left and why you didn’t tell him. But you’ve got to think about Matthew now, Joshua can make his own choices about what he wants to do. I made bad choices with you, but I had a choice to make, you’re not even giving him a chance to make a choice.” Kermit frowned some as he looked at his daughter’s face. “Maya, we love you and we will support whatever you want to do. But I want you to really sit down and think about it now. Think about what you would have wanted if you could have changed things for yourself when you were little.”

Maya slept while Matthew slept, it was what all the doctors and books recommended, but this time while her son slept in the crib beside her bed, Maya couldn’t find rest. Her father’s words replaying in her head. She felt like a terrible person, that she should have told Josh, of course she should have…how could she do to her son what had been done to her, how could she deny him a father? But how could she made it better now? If she went to Josh now he was sure to hate her, to loathe her for leaving without a word, for keeping the baby from her. The whole Matthews family would hate her, they would never forgive her for this. How could they?

“I don’t know what to do.” She told Kermit and Jules as they sat in the living room together. Matthew sleeping in Jules’ arms as Maya sat curled up on the couch. She’d expressed her concerns to them both, she expressed how she still didn’t think Josh giving up his life was fair, but that it wasn’t fair to Matthew not to know his family – especially a family that was so great.

“Listen,” Jules began, speaking softly. “When I was pregnant I threw Kermit out of the house…literally, I pushed him off the porch and threw his clothes out the window.” Maya looked shocked to hear it. “And then I cried and asked him if he was going to leave me.” Kermit laughed a little, remembering the story from more than a decade ago.

“What she’s trying to say is when you’re pregnant you kind of get a pass on being crazy.” He told her.

“Did my mom act crazy when she was pregnant with me?” Maya asked, feeling a little lighter if only for the moment.

Kermit let out a laugh and got a nudge from Jules for being too loud, not wanting to wake Matthew. “Oh yeah, she was hot all the time, and she stood in the middle of a clothing store, bawling because they didn’t have a fan for sale in the middle of winter. And one time she peed on herself when she was really pregnant and laughing in the movie theatre. She took my jacket to hide her wet pants and just walked out. Didn’t tell anyone she’d done it.” Maya laughed a little. “She threw me out a few times too, once because I brought home the wrong brand of bread, and Jules threw me out with both of the girls at least twice. But…I know she didn’t mean it. It’s just one of those things, kiddo. Pregnant women are allowed to be crazy, and when we love them we forgive them. Just like I forgave you for throwing that pair of shoes at me when I knocked on your door.”

Maya gave a sheepish smile to her father and shrugged a little, she supposed they were right, maybe it was a hormonal decision, something that happened while she was being crazy pregnant and they wouldn’t hate her for it. But how likely was it that Josh knew that? Sure he wanted to go to med school but he wasn’t likely to be dealing with actual pregnant women yet. “What if he hates me?” Maya asked, her biggest fears coming out. “What if he hates me and thinks I’ll be a terrible mom and so he sues for custody and wins and I never see Matthew again?” There was clearly a slight hormonal imbalance still in the first month of Matthew’s life.

“Maya, no one is going to take this baby away from you. No one.” Jules told her step-daughter. “We would never let that happen.” Maya bit at her lip, looking to her son her mind still not settled from the fears she felt rushing through. “Plus, you’ve always told us that the Matthews were good people, if he’s as good as you say, if they all are, then they will not hurt you, they’ll make an effort to understand. Have faith, sweetheart.”

“I’ve never been very good at that.” Maya muttered with a sigh. “I just want the best for Matthew.”

Kermit’s arm moved around his eldest daughter. “He already has the best.” He told her, kissing the side of her head.