Chapter 21

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Maya had been seeing Dr. Embry for three months when she finally felt like she had enough. It wasn’t the right choice for her and on some level she knew it. But she also knew that the only way Topanga was going to let her stop was if she started talking about her feelings. Maya would admit that she’d changed, that she wasn’t as happy as she used to be. But she didn’t feel like happiness couldn’t be reached, she knew what her problems were with being happy at home. She understood it, she just chose not to talk about it.

Maya finally made the choice to sit down with Topanga and Cory, to sit down alone with the two of them at the kitchen table and really talk to them. “I want to stop seeing Dr. Embry.” She said confidently, her head high. She was not going to act like a child about this, it wouldn’t get her anywhere.

“Maya, I’m not sure that’s a good idea yet.” Topanga began, but Cory put a hand on her arm.

“Why?” He asked Maya. He knew she’d never wanted to go, but she’d been going because Topanga wanted her to for months. He knew Maya respected them and would do as they asked, and in turn he respected her for sitting down to discuss it like an adult.

Maya took in a deep breath and kept her fidgeting hand under the table. “So, you wanted me to go because I wasn’t talking about my mom and I wasn’t happy and thought I needed someone to help me deal with it. And I’m still not talking to her about my mom, and I know I’m not happy as much as I used to be. But…” She swallowed, not wanting them to say anything yet. “But the thing is, I’m never going to be happy like I used to be, but I am happy sometimes. And I won’t say she didn’t do anything for me, she did. She got me drawing again and she helped me know what’s bothering me so much, but I don’t think I need to keep going. And…if you think I need to keep seeing someone, I’d like to see someone else.” She had opened her mouth to let out a rant about the doctor, but stopped herself. She’d ranted to Josh already and he reminded her that if she wanted Topanga and Cory to listen, she would have to keep calm while she talked to them.

Cory and Topanga both looked to one another for a long moment. They seemed to have silent conversations when they did this, eyes on one another. Maya would watch them as they just looked at one another, sharing expressions and then suddenly having a reply. “What is bothering you so much?” Cory asked and at Maya’s confused expression he elaborated. “You said Dr. Embry helped you see what’s bothering you so much, what is it?”

“Oh.” Maya began her eyes looking down. She should have expected they’d want to know. “It’s you.” She said, looking sheepishly at Topanga who looked reasonably taken back. “You’re so great and so together and this awesome mom and it’s just not fair.” Maya replied, and knew her emotions were creeping up on her, feeling the heat in her face, but the door was open and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to close it now. “I hate it, and it’s not fair of me because you do so much for me. You took me in and you take care of me and you want the best for me. You treat me like I’m your kid but I’m not. I’m not your kid and it just makes me miss her so much and the more I miss her, the angrier I get. And it makes me hate her for leaving me and hate you for not being her and for being better than her and then I hate myself for ever hating either of you and….and.” Maya forced herself to stop, taking in a deep breath. Josh was the only other person who had heard all of this before but he’d never known how to make it better for Maya. “I’m sorry.” Tears had filled Maya’s eyes and had begun to spill down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I sound so ungrateful, but I’m not, I’m really not okay?”

Somewhere on a level that Maya couldn’t admit to even herself, she was terrified they would give up on her, that they would send her back to her dad, decide that they couldn’t handle her. She was terrified of being left by another parent that she had refused to show her emotions around any of them. It was better to be who they wanted her to be than risk them leaving her.

Topanga didn’t say anything right away, her own eyes shining with tears and she just got up and moved next to Maya on the bench. She put her arms around the small blonde and held her close. Cory moved to her other side, it wasn’t about him as much, but he wanted to make sure Maya knew she had them both there for her. “Oh Maya.” Topanga said softly, holding her close and stroking her hair. “You don’t need to be sorry, sweet girl, not at all.”

“I don’t want to hate you, and I don’t really.” Maya muttered, crying fully now. “I don’t. I just don’t know how else it feels. It hurts and it makes me angry and I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, no more apologies.” Topanga whispered, rocking a little as she held onto Maya. “I know you don’t hate me.” She whispered against Maya’s head. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” She told Maya over and over as she cried, letting out not only pain from losing her mother, but from feeling so badly for thinking anything negative of Topanga.

“It’s not fair.” Maya sobbed out softly as she clung to Topanga and Cory.

“No, it’s not.” Topanga agreed. “It’s not fair at all and you have every right to be mad.”

“No I don’t. I can’t be mad I can’t…”

“Of course you can. You have every right.” Cory told her softly.

Topanga pulled back some and held Maya’s face, looking at her, both with tears in their eyes. “Listen to me. You can hate her for leaving you, you can hate me for not being her. But you cannot hate yourself for feeling anything. You are not doing anything wrong.” Maya’s lip quivered as Topanga spoke. “We love you, and we know you love us even when you’re angry at everything in the world.” Maya nodded with her head still in Topanga’s hands before both women wrapped their arms around one another, holding tight as Maya cried.

It was nearing midnight when the three were all on the couch together. Maya’s head in Topanga’s lap as she laid between Cory and her. “I talk to Josh.” Maya answered when asked if she’d talked to anyone about how she felt since she wasn’t talking much to Dr. Embry. “He’s the one who told me I needed to talk to you. He said I needed to tell you why I wanted to stop going to Dr. Embry, that it wasn’t what I wanted. He told me that if I explained it all you’d understand and not be so bothered about how much time I spend with him.”

Topanga smiled a little over to Cory. It had only been a week ago that they’d sat Maya down and told her they were worried about how much time she spent with Josh. That she wasn’t seeing her friends anymore, and that focusing your life on a boyfriend wasn’t a healthy relationship. But now it seemed to make a lot more sense than they’d previous thought with Maya confiding in Josh instead of Riley or herself. Topanga was less concerned about Josh and Maya’s closeness now that she understood that he had become the one she leaned on and let all her feelings out on about the loss. If anything she thought higher of Josh for being able to handle it all at only 19.

Maya expressed how hard it was to be in the apartment sometimes, to be surrounded by the perfect family and feel so imperfect that it made her crazy. That she knew taking off on Mother’s Day wasn’t right, that Topanga deserved more than that, but that she couldn’t handle it. “Sometimes I just…” She sat up and frowned a little, it was hard to say the words; she did not want to hurt this family. “Just need to not be here with you.” Maya continued quickly. “I know that sounds bad, I’m sorry, I just…I don’t know how else to say it. It’s hard to be here sometimes, to be in this perfect place. When she was here I always chose your house over ours…ours was lonely and quiet and she was so busy. But now, I feel like it’s just rubbing it in my face. And I know it’s not, I do.” She sighed. “Sometimes I just want somewhere without a mom around, especially a perfect mom.”

It had been a long night for them all but all three felt it was necessary. They’d finally gotten Maya to speak, to express how she was really feeling. It hadn’t been hard for them to tell that she wasn’t being completely honest with them, that she was trying to be what she thought they wanted. But all they wanted was Maya to be herself. They’d agreed to let Maya stop going to Dr. Embry only with the agreement that Maya would continue to be honest so they knew if it was too much for her to handle and she needed someone else to talk to. They let up on her spending so much time with Josh, seeing that it served a purpose for her outside of just a boyfriend to kiss, that he had become something entirely different over the last few months.

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