The thoughts of me

Lonliness

It's a funny thing; my state of mind.

I feel like I'm completely alone when I have a person, a literal human being, in the same room as me.

I sneak away from the group to be alone yet I ache for the warmth of a hand in mine.

I don't want to be like this but I don't do anything to help myself. I'm just in a constant downward spiral of depression and loneliness and sadness.

I don't want anyone to see me like this so I hide it but I don't at the exact same time.

I don't want to loose people but I don't want them to see me destroy myself. I try to open up but then I shut myself off because I don't want to burden people. It's not like people listen to me anyways.

Nobody really shares my ideas and interests. In all reality; we are all alone. As an individual, you have your alone thoughts, how you feel, what you think, what you like, etc. which is good it's great. But I feel like if I could just not be the way I am my life wouldn't be like this.

Maybe I should start going to counseling? Mom says I should go, but for a different reason. A thing happened a while ago that my brothers go to counseling now, but that's not the source of all this. I've been trying to cope with how I am way before that.

I want to talk to someone about my thoughts but I feel like other people won't care, fill me up with "get better" drugs, or brush me off and tell me to get over it. I've been told that the way I think is nothing and it all in my head. I try and I try to push all the bad out of my head but it sticks like glue on carpet.

I just want to get away from it all.

I'm not suicidal or anything. I get that question a lot. I don't self harm. I don't know what I am but I'm not suicidal. I don't have something/someone to live for so I stay alive to find that something. I should say I don't have anyone to live for but they would probably drop me in a second of something better came up.

What's the difference between selfless and selfish? You can be selfless for selfish reasons. I know I do. But is that bad or good?

Maybe if I could go to sleep I wouldn't worry myself so much with this stuff. Sleep seems like my only escape nowadays. Only, I don't sleep much. And when I do I wake up constantly but for extended periods of time. I curl up in my bed and lay there with my eyes closed for an hour or so then I fall asleep only to go in and out of sleep for hours all night barely moving.

Maybe if I didn't stress myself out thing would be fine. I could float through school instead of floating through the days like a balloon on a chain.

I recently cut off a ton of my hair. It used to reach my waist but now it dusts my shoulders. I guess I cut it off in hopes of being lighter and cutting off a lot of problems but I still feel the same. Nothing is working.

At least I still feel.