Jealousy || T.Holland ✓

2

After Tom and I broke up, I thought that would be the end of my jealousy, but it only seemed to grow.

It didn't help the fact that the one person I was the most jealous of, ended up with the man I loved.

It hurts especially when he told me not to worry about her, but the moment we were finished, he was all over her.

They went public with their relationship a month after we broke up and everyone seemed to be pleased with my replacement. She was a major upgrade, but I didn't need social media to know that.

I found myself watching their interviews and crying, because they spoke about each other with such love and adoration.

I cried over the littlest things. Every time I saw a picture of them, even if they weren't together, I'd cry. I'd find myself, once again, pointing out everything perfect about Zendaya.

She was what Tom needed and although I was happy for him, I just wanted him to be happy with me.

The moment of our breakup played in my head for a month straight and once they stopped, Tom and Zendaya's relationship flourished.

She was everything I wasn't -which is probably why I admired her so much. No matter how hard I tried, I could never hate her. Even when we would bump into each other in a public setting, we were always nice to one another. It might have just been for the paparazzi to her, but I truly did mean it when I would tell her it was good to see her and how much I missed her.

When Tom and I had interactions in public, we acted like we hadn't noticed each other. The media didn't seem to let that go so easily, especially when we would walk right passed each other and not say a word.

I remember when a few times our hands brushed or even our arms. There was even a moment when he was trying to get passed me and his hand rest on my lower back.

These moments proved to me that I, in fact, was not over him one bit.

It was extremely hard for me when I had plenty of friends in the movie industry. They all wanted me to attend their premiers and that's where I'd see the couple the most, always hand in hand with large smiles spread across their faces.

The worst is when I'd get interviewed at an event that we were both at and they'd ask me about us; all three of us. The most frequent questions were, "How do you feel about Tom and Zendaya's relationship? It happened soon after your breakup and Zendaya was a close friend." or "Is it awkward to see your ex and your ex best friend here together?"

Of course I'd tell them to truth, "I love them both dearly and wish them the best. I have no hard feelings towards either of them and am excited to see where their relationship goes."

No one ever seemed pleased with my answers. It wasn't that they weren't 'juicy', it was that they thought I was lying or being petty somehow. The fans were a constant reminder that I didn't deserve Tom, but I never once let him know it. He didn't know about any hate I received -which is the main reason that he didn't understand why I wasn't feeling my best most days.

He was oblivious to everything, all my friends were.

Everyone truly believed I was okay with this whole situation. No one ever asked why I broke up with him or even who broke up with who, but if they asked what happened to our relationship, I'd response with a shrug and say, "We broke up."

It wasn't until an after party that one person found the truth.

No, it wasn't Tom or even Zendaya.

It was Harrison.

I don't remember much from the night, but what I do remember is waking up the next morning with his arm wrapped firmly around my waist and his head buried in the crook of my neck.

It reminded me so much of my first night with Tom, but this time, Haz assured me that we hadn't don't anything.

He also assured me that he would keep my secret about how I felt for the last two years.

I was embarrassed waking up that morning, because there were so many secrets that I told him, but he held onto each one for me. He lifted the weight I couldn't carry, just by listening to me.

Ever since that day, we became closer than ever. Even when Tom didn't want us to be friends, he stayed with me. Of course, we had to sneak our friendship, but that was okay with me.

Harrison even told me that Tom was pretty torn up after we broke up, -which was a surprise to me- but if he was so torn, why did he move on so quickly?