Why Don't We Imagines and Preferences

Change

They say that you don't realize how much you've changed until you look back. Just like when you're hiking up a steep slope. You look back to see how much 5 minutes of walking you've done.

It still surprises me though.

When I look back to the beginning of the school year and so a side by side comparison of who I was and who I am.

Back in September I was a virgin 18 year old. Didn't do drugs or drink anymore. I had left that in the past, where I thought I left. But one month into being at school, and now, i lost my virginity to a guy a met a week previous. I was a 19 year old who drank alcohol for fun, got high for no reason other than because I thought I would be having fun. I did that weekly- one week i did it every day. Every single day I was get high, drunk or both.

When I lost my virginity, it was nothing like how I read in books, watch in the movies, or t.v. shows or even hear about. My first time took me by surprised. Complete surprised. We were watching a movie in his dorm room-I know a classic cliche. But It wasn't meant to be that. Peter and I we were only hanging out as friends. We met the previous week where we got high and just had a good time with our mutual friend, Mason. We talked for a straight week. Getting to know each other. We agreed to hang out. He suggested to watch a movie I've never seen, that he and Mason had recommended. So I left my group of friends to go watch a movie. At first we didn't know what to say. It was awkward without our mutual friends. He got off his bed because he wasn't comfortable, I laid down on his bed. Then he claimed he couldn't see much from his angle. I stated I wasn't moving because I was comfortable. So he said he would lay behind me. Which he did. We were cuddling and watching the movie. His hand not so discreetly slid down to my ass. That's when i bluntly told him that if he was going to pull a move, to just do it already. Next thing I know we were making out and everything was getting heated. One thing led to another and boom, I had sex for the first time ever. To a guy I barely knew. In college.

For the following week all I thought about was that night. It took me a week to accept the fact that I lost the very thing I held over my assaulters for 4 years after barely knowing the guy.

A week after losing my virginity, I slept with another EWU student. He lived in my building. And i barely knew him 4 hours before I got into bed with him.

But the next guy I slept with, Jace, I knew him for over a week. I met him on Tinder. We matched and two or so weeks later he was in my bed. We watched a movie, cuddled and then we had sex. I'm not going to lie, within those three or so weeks, I didn't really let myself think about my actions. All i thought about was school and sex.

For almost three weeks I was sleeping with both Peter and Jace. Before I finally stopped seeing Jace. It didn't feel right. Sleeping with him and Peter. And Peter,had this hold over me. I will probably always pick Peter over anybody. I lost my virginity to him. With him I just felt safe with. Like no matter who else I had feelings for, I felt safe with Peter.I have been sleeping with Peter since October. It's now December. That's three months.Three months where i chose Peter over my friends who I call my family.

Meanwhile all of this is happening I also have these strange feelings for someone, Kaleb. But the thing with Kaleb is that He reminds me of Austin J. Bucklin. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes he happy. But I think it's for all the wrong reasons. A chunk of my heart is missing. And Austin has my heart in his cold, rotting hands. He is six feet under and miles and miles away. Yet, he has this hold on me. I love him. I always have and I always will.

When i went on a bender, I drank to forget my feelings for Kaleb. To forget about the fact that Austin is dead. To forget the pain I've been through. To forget about my anxiety. My depression. To forget about my past. To forget about the small town I was from. I only wanted to think of the present. And the drinking and drugs helped. For a little while. Until I woke up the next morning at 1 in the afternoon. No hangover. with everything still fresh in my mind. and I mean EVERYTHING. Everything I drank or smoked to forget and everything I did while intoxicated.

I wasn't the same the person obviously. I wasn't writing as much. I barely talked to my mother and my sister. Instead I slept. Or went to my friends to be with them because they were only minutes away from me. I have never been that free. I have felt so freed in my entire life. Which isn't really surprising because well, my parents are catholics. They are very religious and strict. I barely did anything when I was living here. And now that I'm living with a bunch of friends, and basically no adults. Of course this was expected of me.

But now that I'm back home for break. Peter is in Florida for break, Jace is in Cheney, Kaleb is in Monroe. Everyone is back home for break. We all are seperated. and i'm realizing how much of a different person I actually am.

I made an oath to Austin that When i go back to Cheney, I will limit myself. I am using this break to refocus myself. I need this to refresh. reload. I am currently under construction. And when I'm back at school, I'm a better person. I will be the person I was when my closet friends met me. With a good head on my shoulders. I will be the kind and well behaved student they met and became friends.

I changed into the typical freshman college kid, but I'm going back a new women. I am changing to avoid the cliche. I am changing to what I want to be. It's good thing that 2017 is ending because so is the party girl in me.

2017 me, step aside. 2018 me is coming through.

The better and improved, hopefully.

I can only pray and hope that I will change and that when I go back to Cheney, I'm not going back to my old ways.

The reason why I wrote this Author's Note was because I wanted to promise you that I will being to update more now.

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12/21/2017