Zugzwang

Chapter 16

        “I’m sorry, Chris.” I looked down at the floor. The living room was dark but was lit up by the nighttime light of outside. Tonight was the anniversary of Jack’s death.

        “He was my best friend and your boyfriend. And you don’t even remember the day he died? What the fuck do you have going on in your world that is so important that you don’t even think about it?” I could hear the cracks in Chris’ voice as threw himself onto the couch besides me and sulked.

        I felt my eyes starting to tear up. It was because of the mix of remembering Jack’s death and hearing Chris’ weak voice. “He was sad.” I whispered.

        Chris sat up on the couch and looked at me. “I could’ve helped him! He should have said something!”

        “No! There was nothing you could do, Chris.” I looked up at the ceiling to stay strong and stop myself from sobbing. “He was too broken to be fixed and you know that deep inside. I loved him just as much as you did and I miss him too. He made me the happiest I have ever been.” I put my hand on Chris’ back and scooted closer to him.

        “There had to have been something I could’ve done, Anna. You don’t understand how I feel.” I placed my hand on his cheek and wiped the tears that covered his face.

        “I do understand how you feel. After his death, all I could think about was him. At night, I would dream about that day. It was always the same nightmare. It always started out with the car ride to Jack’s house. Scott had his permit and was driving us to his house; we were both in the back seat, playfully arguing about some stupid football thing. And when we pulled up to his house, I had a horrible feeling in my stomach. I didn’t know what it was.” I felt my voice crack and tears roll down my eyes. But, I continued. “When we went inside, Scott was calling out for him but he didn’t answer. I hoped he was just sleeping but something in me knew he wasn’t. The feeling in my stomach grew worse and I ran to his room.” I couldn’t contain my tears anymore. They started flooding down my face.

        “Shh.” Chris tried to wrap his arms around me but I pushed him away.

        “And he wasn’t in his room.” I continued, taking deep breaths. “The door to the bathroom was shut and the light was on. I knew right then. I remember screaming and running to the bathroom. It was locked but you and Scott kicked open the door and he was just laying on the floor. There was so much blood.” My tears stopped and my voice got quiet. “The white floor was covered in red and his dad’s work razor was on the sink. I couldn’t look at him any longer and buried my crying face in your chest. Scott was already calling an ambulance. He knew it was too late but that didn’t matter.” My heart ached from replaying the scene in my mind. Chris stayed silent. “Our best friend died that day. The love of my life died that day. But, we have to move on and stay strong, Chris.” I took Chris’ hand and held it in mine.

        “I do try to stay strong. And I am. But can’t I be weak for a day?” He sighed. We sat there for a while in silence.

        “You can be weak as many days as you want but don’t drink yourself to death.” I smiled weakly and looked down. Chris lifted my chin with his finger and looked at me. I could only see a silhouette of him and a small sparkle in his green eyes. I could hear him move around but didn’t see a change in his silhouette. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder and pull me besides him.

        I laid my head on Chris’ chest and we stayed in silence for while. I had been thinking about how our lives were before Junior year started. Chris and I would constantly flirt innocently and he’d act all macho and dominant whenever we were in public. When he was over with Scott, he was able to be himself. They both expressed their feelings about things to each other, knowing they’d never be able to do that in public. They had their reputations.