Zugzwang

Chapter 23

I walked to the car and sat in the passenger’s seat in silence. Scott didn’t say anything. We drove back home in silence. Everything that had happened was too much for me to process. It was all happening too quickly for me.

“Are you going to be okay?” Scott asked.

I looked up at him and said, “No.” How could I be okay? I can’t see the one man I want to see more than anyone else.

Scott wrapped his arm around me as much as he could in the car while we were parked outside our house. He kissed my temple lightly and whispered, “Just wait a few days and we’ll go back, okay?”

I shook my head and felt the first tear roll down my face. “That’s not going to do anything. Now that I know he’s back, I just want to see him.” My voice cracked.  A feeling inside me knew that nothing’s ever going to be okay between Nick and me. A horrible feeling shot through me. It felt like death.

A knuckle knocked on the car window. Chris was standing there with a smile on his face. “Why are you guys in the car and not inside?” He asked. His voice was muffled.

I quickly dried the tear from my face and hoped my eyes weren’t red. Scott unlocked the doors and got out. “We were just having a nice talk, dude.” He said.

“Should I come back another time?” Chris asked, opening the door for me.

I could feel Scott’s eyes on me as I got out of the car. Yes, leave now. “No, it’s fine.” I forced a smile.

Scott said, “I’m going out with Jessica later so I’ll be taking the car. We were thinking on going on a vacation for a little while. When it’s decided if we’re going or not, I’ll let you know.” With that, he walked inside.

I leaned against the car. “So, why are you here?” I asked, trying not to sound bitter about Chris’ sudden appearance.

Chris brushed his hands up against my cheek and took a step closer. “You seemed really affected by Matt’s sudden arrival yesterday. I was just curious on why.”

“You could’ve just texted me.” I uncomfortably chuckled.

“Texting is for losers.” He said.

“You text all the time!” I laughed. “Come inside.”

“That’s my point! I am a loser.” Chris smiled and kissed the corner of my mouth. We walked inside and sat on the couch. “So tell me, baby girl. What happened last night?” I smiled weakly and looked down. Should I tell him about what’s gone on or just be quiet? “Tell me what happened.” He got serious and lifted my chin up with his finger.

“It doesn’t matter.” I decided not to tell him.

“Don’t you start with that.” His face looked serious now. It was slightly intimidating. “Tell me what’s going on.” I knew I wouldn’t win this battle.

 

My only other option was to explain it to him. His face sunk when I mentioned that Nick still had my heart. It had only been a few days so he would have had to have known I couldn’t have gotten over Nick that quickly. Then again, I thought I had too. I think we both wanted to believe I was over Nick.

Instead of comforting me about the situation, Chris left. Even when we were younger, he wasn’t there when he should have been. I could’ve been right about him not being there for me. But, I guess it was something I should have expected. I think deep inside, I knew it would happen someday. I just didn’t want it to be true.

Instead of moping about two boys, I decided to just mope about one. I went to my room and laid silently in my bed with a pint of chocolate ice cream. It wasn’t that hard to finish it considering my emotional state right now. It was my way of crying. Once I finished the ice cream, I laid there and thought for a few hours.