Hidden Feelings

31.

Valencia Carter

"You okay?" Sebastian rubbed this thumb over the back of my hand as we sat through my mother's funeral.

I didn't want to be here, but Sebastian wouldn't let me hear the end of it. He gave me a long speech about how you only get one mother and you're suppose to respect her, blasé blasé.

"I'm fine." I looked around at the tears and my aunt falling all over the floor. Her overdramatic ass

"You know it's okay to cry." He whispered.

"I don't want to cry." I couldn't cry. Yes, I was a little upset about my mother dying, but she's done too much to me in my life for me to cry. I just bring myself to do it.

The longer I sat there watching everyone else shed their tears, I began to think back on how my mother changed when I came out to her.

It was ninth grade, after I had dated Saadia. I was young, but I knew I had true feelings for her. She was my first kiss, first person I had done anything sexual with.

She was a year older than me and had experienced some things before. When she left I continued messing with girls, but refused to let myself fall for them like I did with her.

"Valencia, sweetie how was school?" My mom beamed when I entered the house.

"It was good." I told her, the scent of brownies filling my nose.

I loved my mom with my everything. She always made sure I ate, helped me with homework, always talked to me when I felt down. I felt like I could tell her anything.

"Mom, can I talk to you about something?" I sat at the island as she stood across from me.

"Of course you can baby girl."

"Since last year I've been attracted to girls more than boys. And the longer I've had the feelings, the more I've come to terms that I don't like boys at all. I think...I'm a lesbian." I stared at her, waiting for her say something.

Instead of her talking, her hand went across my face and I fell to floor.

"You like boys. Don't ever let me hear that shit come out of your mouth again. That's a sin! You are suppose to be with a man, not a damn woman! Do you understand!" She towered over me, yelling.

I held my face crying as I quickly nodded my head. I knew my mother was very religious and wouldn't be happy about it, but I didn't expect her to react like this.

"Get the hell out of my face." She turned her back to me, her voice full of disappointment.

I stood up and went upstairs with more tears running down my face.

"You okay, Val?" Ten year old Mikey came into my room.

"Get out Michael, I'm not in the mood right now." I told him.

"Okay. I love you sister." He wiped my tears and kissed my cheek making me smile.

"I love you too, bro." I ruffled his hair knowing he hates that. He sucked his teeth and walked out my room.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the day and skipped dinner.

"Valencia, come down here." I heard my father call from downstairs.

Knowing what he was calling me for, I prepared for the worse. I was a die hard daddy's girl and him simply raising his voice at me breaks my heart.