edge

nine

The street is surrounding him, closing in and holding him tightly, choking, clawing, enveloping, drowning...

 The dark sky is pushing its weight down upon his shoulders, not even a single star visible to provide comic relief, only clouds, so many clouds, heavy, grey clouds which foreshadow an oncoming storm.

The streetlights refuse to do their job properly, only casting down a minuscule patch of amber tinged light every few meters or so; enough to guide the way but not enough to light it. Phil's bag is heavy on his back, an added weight upon his shoulders which he cannot bear to hold for more than a few moments longer. His breath swirls up in small, twisting streaks of white vapour, beautiful yet short-lived.

Phil's mind is running in overdrive, trying to separate the thoughts in his head from the thoughts in his heart. Life is meant to be born with an instinct, a will to survive, so why is he wanting to leave this world so badly?

His heart is always aching, buried deep inside his chest but he didn't know that sadness could physically hurt. He didn't know it would constantly feel like he has been kicked in the gut, he didn't know his brain would constantly be battling itself in order to stay alive, he didn't know it would lead him to the edge of a bridge.

There's too many thoughts encased inside his mind, yet he can't let them go. Dark thoughts can be contagious when exposed to light.

Phil has had to be strong for his whole life,  hold his whole family up, hold his friends at school up, hold the universe up. There's so much pain people simply walk past, it seems he's the only one who ever notices or does anything about it. He can't stand seeing people upset as he knows how it feels himself, so he pushes the feeling aside, pasting on a smile to make everyone else feel better.

But right now, the act is over, the curtains are down and darkness has fallen. Despite the struggling streetlights, Phil isn't sure if he has enough light within himself to even make it home tonight, or enough strength to carry his heart at least the rest of the way.

Everything is an effort, his legs want him to just collapse on the ground rather than take another single damn step, his heart just wants to cease to beat, his brain wants to give up the constant battle; he wants to surrender so badly.

And he was so close to getting his wish.

Then Dan came alone. 

Dan.

Dan with his lonely nature. Dan with his wise, caring eyes. Dan with his soft hair. Dan with his understanding nature. Dan with those fucking eyes.

Phil has promised Dan that he'll stay, but for how long he isn't sure. Phil knows he can't hold on forever, he knows that his feeling will only continue to grow inside of him, and that thought makes his stomach twist and heart ache so badly. He doesn't want this.

After being at Dan's house for the afternoon, Phil wants to try so badly for Dan. He wants to continue to get to know Dan, he wants to fight for him, but what happens if that feeling fades? What happens if one day Dan isn't there to hold him back from the edge?

His mind is a ruthless place; he knows he can feel happy, he can laugh and joke and smile and it's genuine, but he's so easily pulled back into the dark depths of himself. No matter how hard he tries, there's always that part of him that's hurting, holding too much weight.

Phil stops walking just outside of the streetlight's reach, his figure coated in the darkness of the night. He knows his parents won't be worried where he is, they'll both be working to keep their family afloat right now, to pay rent, put whatever food they can on the table, to exist.

Phil sinks down onto the side of the road and lets out a deep sigh, wishing he could reach inside his chest and just pull his heart out to stop it from hurting. He's so sick of it.

He reaches inside of his schoolbag and pulls out the small notebook that Dan dropped. He has no intent of reading it, he has that much moral integrity, however he just wanted a small piece of Dan to keep with him - even if it's only for a little while. He hugs it to his chest, wishing he had Dan with him right now, however he's not here. Phil is alone.

So without Dan to hold him and offer a shoulder to cry on, Phil brings his knees up close to his chest, hides his face behind them and begins to cry his heart out. His heart has cracked open, and now it's flowing out of him. His shoulders are shaking, his breaths are uneven, his face is wet with rolling tears and his heart, his poor, poor heart, it's aching so badly.

It hurts.

Phil wants to hold on for Dan, he wants to live and he wants to be happy and love and live for himself and have a fucking future;

but there's a black hole inside of him, consuming everything and tearing him apart in the process.

***

wow I updated semi quickly whaaattt

#spon: pls check out my new book 'catching light' it's phan in that it has Dan and Phil, but is very non-fanfiction like. it's basically a teen fiction starring Dan and Phil (most of my books anyway lol) but I hope you like it :D

by the way MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE