edge

twelve

Dan freezes, unable to draw his eyes away from the words that hang above Phil's head. The words don't just lodge a blade in his chest, it completely obliterates all the feelings from within him. It's a strange feeling, he doesn't feel angry or sad or happy or relieved. He just feels... empty.

"Phil you-" he starts to stammer, but he realises he cannot say anything without giving himself away - that's if Phil doesn't already know.

"Dan? What's wrong? You look super pale, did something-" Phil begins to stammer when he catches sight of Dan's expression.

Phil trails off when Dan pushes past him and runs as fats as he can towards the exit. Phil watches the boy go, as if his legs can't take him out of there fast enough. As he makes his way to his locker, Phil can't help but continue to replay that strange interaction in his head. Something felt so off and he can't shake it from his memory. Did Dan even notice he was there? Was it something he did? As he opens his locker, Phil catches sight of the small, black journal sitting in his backpack staring at him menacingly and something clicks in the back of his mind.

Does Dan somehow know he took it? Phil wonders, no, he can't, that's impossible.

Phil shakes the thought from his mind as he heads to class. It must have been a coincidence, but he should return that book to Dan. He doesn't even know why he is still holding onto it but he also doesn't really know how to just give it back. Admittedly, part of him is also curious as to what is so secretive that Dan has to lock it within a book. The quiet boy who never stepped out of line, always kept to himself; the boy who was basically no more than a whisper is the chaos of school - what did he have to hide?

***

Dan is almost out of breath but he can't turn back now. One thought is just jarring him, jolting him with each step. He doesn't know where to go, who to talk to, what to do... he's so lost.

Phil has his book. Phil has his book. Phil has his book. Phil HAS HIS FUCKING BOOK.

Dan isn't sure what feels worse; the fact that his whole existence basically lies in the hands of Phil and there's nothing he can do, or that knife of betrayal that's aching in his back and chest. His friend, Phil was his friend and he stole that book. It's been missing for days and Phil never gave it back. Whether he found it or picked it up from times he was with Dan, he never even returned it. DID HE READ IT?

No, he couldn't have. There's no way he'd be acting so... so casual. Anyone who had read a locked book full of names and sentences - ranging from trivial to very concerning - would be running to the hills, or police, by now.  So if he hasn't read it, is he planning to then? Why else would he have never given it back. Maybe he's trying to break into it. Maybe he's a psychopath and is thinking up the perfect way to ruin Dan's life. Maybe he wants to use this information. Maybe he-

"Dan!" Phil's voice slices through Dan's rapid thoughts, leaving the last one suspended in his brain, unfinished, "Stop running!"

When Dan's eyes lock with Phil's all he feels is anxiety swelling in his stomach. Any sentence he may have been capable of it wretched from within his throat. He opens his mouth to give a reply but all he manages if a feeble whimper.  Maybe he can run again? Flee the country? Before Dan can even consider if his measly savings could even get him to the next town over, Phil's hand has clasped over his wrist, locked.

"Let me go Phil!" Dan cries, trying to tug his arm free, "get off me!"

"No. You didn't let me go that day, so I'm not letting you go ," Phil says firmly, "now tell me what the fuck is going on!"

"I can't."

"You can."

"I can't. You don't understand."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes. Fucking damn it Dan, tell me."

"NO. Leave me the fuck alone. You can't do anything. You fucked it up, everything is fucked up so just leave it."

The coldness of Dan's final protest hangs in the air between them. Dan himself is even shocked at his own hostility, his own tone laced with lethal venom. Phil's grip on Dan's arm loosens and then falls limply to his side. Despite having tried to free himself from Phil earlier, his wrist now felt strangely empty, bare. Dan swallows before finally dragging his eyes to meet Phil's.

Oh boy.

How he wishes he kept staring at the ground. Hell, even a wall would do. Anything to avoid the tear filled ocean eyes of Phil Lester staring back at him. A pit opened up inside of him. No, not a pit - a whole fucking black hole. Of course, leave it to him to be the one to stomp out the last of the light from the dying sun. He always fucks everything up.

"I-I'm sorry," Phil says, but his voice is just a whisper and Dan barely hears it, "I'll leave you alone."

"No Phil, I-" Dan begins, but Phil is already backing away from him, eyes wide with... fear? distrust? Dan can't even tell. But then, Phil's expression turns to something Dan can only describe as cold rage.

"No Dan just... I knew this was a mistake. I knew I should have just jumped off that bridge, so you should have let me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some final things to do before I, oh what was it? Yes, before I leave it." Phil's tone is flat but Dan can tell he's trembling inside.

"Phil no! I'm sorry, just let me exp-" Dan begins, but it's too late.

Phil shoves Dan backwards, Dan is so taken aback that he doesn't even register it until he feels a sharp pain through his tailbone and grass between his fingers and under his palms. Before he can even think about scrambling back to his feet, he looks up to see Phil sprinting away at full speed. He yells out, but his words are lost as the wind picks up, but also Phil is probably choosing to ignore him too.

Dan has just gotten to his knees when he sees Phil disappear behind a building, but not before he sees his new secret, except, it's a secret like Dan has never seen before. This one is new, complicated, a string of different thoughts all knotted together, like his secret is still figuring itself out. Although he only saw it for a few seconds as Phil ran, the words are hauntingly etched into his brain, looping over again and again in his mind.

I wish Dan had let me jump off that bridge, I want to die, I'm going to read his fucking book and then die, fuck this, fuck living. I am done.

********

lol hello, surprise, an update. i'm shocked if anyone still reads this but i do want to finish it eventually and had a random inspiration to write.
until next time <3 (maybe if we pray it will be sooner lol)