Tour Manager's Daughter

Un-Professional

I found myself standing on stage left with my head set on, focused on listening. My eyes stared at all the lights, at my feet, and out at Shawn.

Something was weird about today, and I hadn't had a clue to what was making me feel something was off. Well that something that was off was Shawn and the why was what I didn't know.

"keep on that head set." Shawn had said to me before showtime. That was unusual, then he added, "just in case" after.

All morning he had been quiet, I had assumed he was tired. Or didn't feel well. People had already been asking him what was wrong and he was shoving them off. I didnt want to bother, so I kept distance. I got him his normal things that he requests and he didn't even smile when I gave him the baby carrots.

Shawn sang, "Little too much" and had choked up on stage. The crowd was wild for it. He acted adorable and chucked "sorry" into the mic. But I was nervous. I had a bad feeling and I like to believe intuition is something you don't mess with.

*Shawn pov*

I was in full concert mode, I got a little emotional with one song but it was crowd favorite. I was always seen as the soft and sweet one. And I was fine with that reputation. My mind was in a fog, and my concert wasn't my best. I didn't feel all there.

As soon as my thoughts went from concert to recognizing that my mind wasn't all there, I started to loose it. There was only a few songs left and I wanted to push through it. I waited through my bands guitar and drum solos of one of the songs and pretended to have fun or some fun on stage. It left me too long to think.

"Sadie." I said aloud into the mic for my head set. My microphone for the stadium was still resting in my hand. I wanted Sadie to answer me.

"Whats the matter Shawn?" She said sweetly in my ear. "I don't think I can make it through the rest." I said in there. Then there was probably 3 more people talking and I became defensive. I asked for Sadie.

Time stopped, for a moment and I was standing there. Looking out at thousands of people. My mind split in two. On one hand all of these people were fans, people who enjoyed what I offered. People who relied on me to continue this concert. Then I thought about how good it has felt in the past to have a concert at home, in Toronto. I got to look and see my family, and friends watching.

That concert was only a weeks away.

This morning, I found out my grandparents passed away. Both of them.

I was told that my grandfather had passed and it startled my grandmother who got too worked up and passed on as well. It broke my heart.

In reality time didn't stop and I had missed my first cue for lyrics. My band members were urging me to go on but I was still lost. They kept playing.

My heart was sore and pictured the absent seats of my two sweet and supportive grandparents in the Toronto arena. I looked to my left and saw Sadie standing alone at the side of the stage holding her head set to hear, and glancing up at me. I saw her mouth speak in slow motion.

"Shawn," she spoke gently.

"Listen, take a few breaths."

I looked back out. My head set blew up with different voices talking to me, some yelling telling me to pull myself together.

I remember back at home, all the weekends and sleepovers at my grandparents. The food we ate, the smells, the card games, the wool blankets, the snow ball fights.. I remember so many good and wonderful things. I remember picturing life without them when I was emotional at night and having tears streaming down my face. I never pictured it like this, standing in an arena full of people, doing the exact same thing.