Autumn to summer in Penny Lane

January

Calam Madvig

The New Year always seemed like an hang over month. Christmas and his birthday were recently over whilst outside it was still dark, wet, and cold. Caitlin's birthday had also gone as she was born on the second of January. However Calam didn't have a chance to celebrate with her as she was down south filming for some Mockney drama that she was in.

Breathing hard, Calam opened his car door and felt the cold air as he made his way to Eleanor's house ready for his therapy.

Counsellor

A silence engulfed the room with Calam seeing that it wasn't broken by the tick of the clock as it was broken. Carefully he scanned the books and saw that Eleanor had the same copy of Great Expectations as he did.

'Sorry about that,' Eleanor said as she came in. 'So how are you?'

Calam frowned. There was a lot on his mind. 'Well the house seems empty without Coral. Somehow I always feel as though I'm just a part time Father to her.'

'You're always there for Coral. Sometimes it is hard, especially in today's world. At times you have to do the best what you can. Coral can always rely on you.'

'It's not the same as being there for her.'

'Of course but some Parents have nothing to do with their children even if they live around the corner. Having someone who loves you and supports you even in difficult circumstances. You give Coral all that.'

A slight grimace still broke out. He still felt low and it didn't help that Caitlin was away filming some Mockney drama down in London. Something that he mentioned. As usual, Calam hadn't expected it to tumble out and that fear of not just being there but the constant threat of feeling that he was going to lose someone.

'I know I should be glad that Caitlin's doing something that she loves but...' Always that but. 'I don't know what if she meets someone? Or simply has to move down to London? Yeah, I know well it is selfish but I just want to be with her.'

Eleanor smiled. There seemed to be a lot of anxiety whirling around Calam who always seemed to assume and think the worst of himself.

'I've been dreaming again of Mark,' Calam said quietly. 'We were down by Garston shore and there was an old battered ship on it's side. Somehow Mark ends up there and I'm watching from a peep hole in Speke Hall. I can see the tide coming in fast and I try to find a way down. Only I can't and Mark's panicking as the water's now up to his ankles. It's getting deeper and I reach out my hand... and it slips. Then I can see it. Clear as day the speeding car just hitting him and...' Calam couldn't say anymore. Even after all these years it was still fresh. Why did they decide to have a race? The car was speeding and Calam wondered if driver who never stopped ever had nightmares about what he had done.

Tears were streaming down Calam's face as he stopped talking. Guilt about taunting Mark that he wasn't going that fast and that he would beat him easily. Then it came that moment of seeing it coming and not being able to do anything. That stunned feeling of no escape only the loud bang and scream of Mark as he flew into the air.

Maybe it was everything that just got Calam down. At times he felt he was working on automatic. The hospital directors were doing his head in and trying to make things difficult with budgets. It hadn't helped that he had been vocal in the Junior Doctor's dispute by openly supporting it. Calam had even featured on the local radio and television giving the reasons why he supported the strike and why the public should as well.

Admittedly Calam felt better as he stepped outside after his session had finished but there was still that feeling of emptiness that engulfed his soul. Everything was becoming hard as he grimaced as Jesper implored him to go and see his band. Calam was doing nothing on Friday but he just couldn't face going. Not because he didn't like Jesper's band, but and it sounded silly, the effort and pretending everything was okay. Instead Calam made a half arsed excuse about doing something else but they would have to catch up some time.