Not Sure If You're A Boy or A Girl~ Reddie

Drowning for Beginners

TRIGGER WARNING- SUICIDAL IDEATION AND ACTIONS

If anybody finds this, Sorry if you also found my body.. must be pretty traumatic

Eddie huffed ripping out the page, crumpling it into a ball and tossing it off the side of the cliff. He sat close to the edge, cross legged and hunched over his notebook. It had snowed last night, just a dusting to cover up the dirt. It was cold on Eddie's body, but he remained on the ground. The cold was good. A reminder he hadn't died yet.

Mom: Fuck you. I was always a boy- not your little EmmyBear. I know you drugged me with those bullshit gazebos. I want you to know you're a big part of the reason I was left with no other option then to off myself. Thanks for nothing.
Bill: We've been friends for years, before the losers and I love you. Thanks for being there for me. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to stick around for you. You and Stan are sweet together, stay that way.
Stan: Treat Bill right. I'll miss you.
Ben: Thanks for always being so kind. I know you could've stopped hanging out with us when you lost the weight. You could've been popular. I overheard the gym teacher talking to you about football tryouts once. Maybe you don't like sports, but I like to think you never did it to hang out with us.
Bev: You are one of my best and closest friends. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to stay here. I wish I was. You are. Beverly Marsh you're a strong woman. You're gonna grow up, get out of this shit town and do something with yourself. I love you.
TrashMouth:
Eddie stared at the name. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say. He wasn't sure what was right to say. The idea of leaving everyone was sad, but the idea of leaving Richie coaxed the tears out of his ducts and onto the page. He watched as the liquid mixed with fresh ink and ran down the college ruled paper.
"Fuck."
Trashmouth: This is hard. I didn't think it would end this way. Not when we were kids playing cops and robbers in your backyard. Not even when we grew older and you would climb into my room and pass out on my floor. I think it's obvious but I'll say it anyway. I have feelings for you Richard Tozier. I'm fairly certain I even love you. Like I'm in love with you. And that's what makes this so hard. Because as difficult a truth it is to swallow the fact remains, I'm not lovable. I'm damaged and loving me is asking too much. You tried to save me from my own stupidity and what did it get you? Suspended and accused of disgusting crimes. You don't deserve that. And I think you've realized this too. I'm not mad you never came back. I get it. But if you ever think of promising anything to anyone again maybe make sure you'll follow through. It would've saved us all a lot of trouble.

Eddie folded the papers up neatly and placed them in an envelope.

Eddie Kaspbrak's final words

With slumped shoulders, Eddie popped the cork off the wine bottle and counted out fifteen pills. It would be a good place to start.
•••
Bev was growing increasingly worried about her idiot friends, Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier.
Eddie hadn't been to school the last two days and Richie wasn't answering his phone. Anytime she called Eddie his mother said he wasn't feeling well. No one answered at the Tozier home.
Currently, Beverly sat in her home room class bouncing her leg up and down so quickly on the tile below Ben thought it might fly off.
"Bev, you alright?"
Ben, who'd been sitting in the desk next to hers, leaned over to place a warm hand on her shoulder. Her instant reaction was to shrug it off, still hesitant after her father. Instead she tried to smile looking into his eyes.
"I'm fine. Just worried about the boys."
He nodded, "Have you heard from either of them after, ya know."
'Richie the Rapist' ,as the student body had labeled him, was the talk of the school. No one came out and said anything to Bev. They probably figured she'd hand their ass to them and they'd be right. In the last few years Bev had learned to take no shit and that was a lesson that had endless benefits. But just overhearing the whispers in the halls was enough to send her blood boiling.
"No."
"Did you call them?"
"Of course I fucking called them! What did you think I forgot about the invention of the telephone? God damn! Neither of them are fucking answering!"
Bev shouted, causing her classmates to silently turn to her and Bens conversation. The teacher was about to intervene when Bev threw her bag over shoulder and ran from the room.
Ritchie's house was closer to the school so she headed there first. She figured it was best that way anyway because if either of them was to do something idiotic it'd be him.
The door was unlocked so Bev let herself in. She could feel a force in her legs telling her this was not an appropriate way to enter someone's house but she ignored it. Manners where the least of her worries at the moment.
She made her way up the dusty wood steps turning right once she got to the second level.
"Rich?" She tapped on the door.
It only took a second for it to fly open. On the other side stood Richie. His eyelids swollen and pink. A frown dug deep into his cheeks.
"Oh, hey Bev."
He walked back to the corner of his room where his disheveled bed waited for him. The nightstand was littered with cigarette packs, half written notes and an empty bottle of booze. Richie shook pack after pack until he found one lone cigarette.
"What can I do ya for?" He asked, putting the cancer stick to his lips.
Beverly felt slightly uncomfortable being here with a clearly depressed and unwashed Richie, but she was relieved the asshole was ok.
"Where have you been, fuckface? I called you like fifty times over the last few days! I thought you were dead!"
"Sorry, I've been busy.."
"Busy doing what? Throwing yourself a pity party?"
Rich rolled his eyes aiming the smoke directly at his friend.
"Is this what you showed up for? To tell me how much I suck? I'm kind of aware of that."
Bev heaved a sigh, it was difficult fighting with someone who wouldn't hit back. She flopped on the floor next to the bed, leery of actually sitting on the sweat and tear soaked sheets above her.
"No, I just wanted to make sure you didn't hurt yourself," She confessed ignoring the dismissive chuckle Richie gave her, "Have you heard from Eddie?"
Richie's heart sunk as he inhaled the smoke, thinking maybe it'd help his organs stay afloat. Did she need to do a welfare check on Eds too?
"Not since the dance. Have you?"
Beverly looked away shaking her head.
"No ones picking up the phone.."
The boy huffed as he got back up and threw on a leather jacket. He'd of preferred his jean one, but he couldn't seem to find it.
"Let's go."
They took Richie's rusted bike. He steered as Bev tried to hold on without wrapping her arms around his waist. It proved to be challenging until she finally gave in. Rich didn't seem to notice or if he did he didn't care.
It only took a few minutes to arrive at the Kaspbrak residence and when they reached the home both were relieved to see Sonia's car wasn't in the driveway. The door was locked and when Richie tried the window he found it was too.
"Of fucking course.." He mumbled peering into the room. It was hard to see with the glare from the winter sun but he was sure there wasn't any sign of the boy. Richie did notice that his school bag wasn't in its designated home by the desk. And the framed picture of all the losers was turned face down. It was a good picture of the group. This past summer, Ben had been gracious enough to take it. Bev was kissing Eddie's cheek. He still had long tumbling hair and a baseball cap on to tame it. Bill and Stan stuck their tongues out. Mikes eyes were crossed with a toothy grin on his face. Finally, his thoughts wandered to himself. If memory served, he was towards the end of the line. Near Mike. Cigarette between his lips and his middle fingers up, "God, I am an asshole."
"Anything?" Bev called from the ground.
"It's fucking locked but I don't think he's here anyway. Maybe the bitch dragged him out somewhere?"
He jumped back down to the earth below, combat boots crushing the icy snow.
"Where could he be?"
Bev ignored the question quietly walking over to the side of Eddie's house. She looked at it as if she'd never seen vinyl siding before.
And then it dawned on Richie. Eddie's old bike, the one that he used to ride around with a he Losers, wasn't there.
"His backpack was gone too."
"Where would he go?"
Richie tried to think of all the places his friend would wander off alone. The Pharmacy? The arcade? Bev said he hadn't shown up to school and if he wasn't home that meant his Mom definitely thought he was in school. There's no way he'd risk hanging out in town. Especially after the dance.
"We should check The Barrens. It's the only other place he'd be."
•••
Things had grown fuzzy for Eddie Kaspbrak. He fell into a comfortable numbness. He wasn't even cold anymore and after a few more pills he figured it was because he was already dead.

"Locator for the virgin King, but I love you in your fuck-me pumps
And your nimble dress that trails"

Eddie sang to himself as he stumbled around looking for heavy rocks.

"Oh, dress yourself, my urchin one, for I hear them on the rails"

Emptying out Richie's pockets he'd found half a pack of cigarettes  and a lighter. His Mother never really did tell the truth and he was starting to doubt the asthma on top of everything else. But fuck, if he had it who cared? He would be dead by the end of the day. He'd smoke them for Richie.

"Because of all we've seen, because of all we've said
We are the dead"

"Eddie?Eds?"
Eddie's head flew up, brow knitted.
"Eddie??"
He wasn't sure if he was really hearing someone. Would enough of these pills make him hallucinate? The voice sounded harsh, broken, familiar?
"Eds?"
"Edddiiieee."
Now there were two voices and the sound of crunching soggy leaves. Eddie shook his head, hitting the cigarette again. The first drag was rough, almost making him retch, but it was getting easier. He liked the way they seemed to fill a whole in his chest. Even if it was just for a minute.
"Jesus Christ! Eds?!"
The voice was almost on top of him now. Only when he looked up to see Richie's face dripping with concern did he realize he was on the ground.
"I couldn't find any rocks, Rich."
He mumbled before stumbling to his feet. Richie hadn't wiped that look off his face. But he had tried to reach out to his friend.
"Eds, just calm down. Are you ok?"
"I think I can make it without the rocks. I already feel like I'm sinking."
He spoke as he wobbled towards the edge.
"Eddie?" That was definitely Beverly's voice. It was sweet she came to see him off.
"Eds, come back towards me. It's gonna be ok, Babe. Just listen to me."
Eddie looked at his gorgeous friend. His face so defined, so angular. It was pale and kissed with light freckles. He liked the subtlety of it.
He didn't like how scared his eyes were. Was he going to cry? His eyes were puffy. Did he cry?
"Eddie, tell me what's going on."
Richie demanded. He dared to step closer.
"It'll all be in the letter, Rich."
Before Richie could lunge forward Eddie had already stepped off the cliff. He fell backwards. He felt like he was flying.