Not Sure If You're A Boy or A Girl~ Reddie

Indepth Deconstruction of the Self

Richie and Eddie were together now. A fact only further solidified in Bev's mind as she cracked open the door to Richie's room to find the dark haired boy's face stuck to the other. She wanted to scream with excitement, but realized that much like watching a family of deer graze in the early morning she had to remain calm in order to prevent spooking anyone. Instead, Bev covertly closed the gap of the door and archway turning on her heel and headed down the stairs. She'd need to get home soon anyway. Plus the keys to Mrs. Tozier's car were still jingling in her back pocket.
The foyer was a mess as always. Jackets and white trash bags brimming with debris scattered near the door, waiting to be taken care of. The coat rack was free of any kind of clothing, but was stubbornly mounted to the wall. Bev was only steps away when Richie's Mother emerged from her cave.
Bev was so close to getting out but the space between her and the car keys home seemed to stretch miles at that point.
"It's very nice of you to return my keys, dear."
Maggie's voice fell flat as she made her way to the frozen girl.
Bev tried her best to snap out of her daze, reluctantly digging into her pocket.
"Sorry, Mrs Tozier," she dropped the object in the older woman's hand with a sheepish smile, "There was an emergency."
Maggie nodded, her brow cocked as she stared into Bev's eyes.
There was a second where she wasn't sure if Beverly was trying to concoct some sort of lie on the spot or if she just needed to pry the story out of her.
"What kind of emergency?"
"Uhm," Bev's mouth grew arid as she tried to work out how much Richie had shared with his Mother, "well, how much do you know about Emily?"
•••
Eddie felt safe there in Richie's arms. His friend,or boyfriend or whatever it was you wanted to call it, had buried his face into the crook of his neck, cradling him with spindly limbs. The only indication that Rich was still alive was the steady rise and fall of his chest. He made no noise. Not even a snore escaped him, leading Eddie to believe he was still awake. Probably deep in thought.
"..rich?"
The boy snapped his head up, craning his neck to see the smaller boy. His eyes darted around Eddie's face looking for any sign of seizures or vomit.
"What are you thinking about?"
As he asked the question Eddie hated himself. He didn't want to be clingy or nosey or whatever, but it was like there was a physical force pushing the words through his teeth. His mind was quickly becoming a whirlwind of anxiety. What if Richie just fished him out of the canal to keep the blood off his hands? He didn't really want to kiss him. It was guilt. It was shock. He kissed first and just couldn't remember clearly. Richie would disappear again. He'll laugh about this with Bill and Stan and avoid Eddie in the hallways. No one could actually love him. He didn't deserve-
"I was just trying to process everything from earlier. You said something weird, about a letter," Richie had been trying to figure that out for the past half an hour. After a quick make out session that he thoroughly enjoyed. Eddie's words played in his head repeatedly, 'It'll all be in the letter, Rich,' "What letter where you talking about before you, uhh, you went for a swim?"
Eddie's mind didn't completely blank out on the whole incident yet. He imagined soon he would, just like that summer when they were kids. Time would eat away at his memory. Still, he was pretty fucked up on those stupid pills before Richie and Bev found him. Things were fuzzy. He could recall writing the letter. The one that would say his goodbyes to everyone for him, but it was like someone had taken the details of it and smudged them.
"What do you mean?"
Richie huffed pushing himself off the smaller boy in order to gain a better view of the adorable asshole. He made no effort to conceal his frustrated expression.
"Eds, come on. You weren't that far gone. Don't make me relive it."
"Make you relive it?" Eddie yelped, his voice squeaking higher than he'd like to admit, "I was the one jumping!"
"Yeah, you were. You fucking made the choice to take those pills, drink your Moms shitty table wine, and jump of a motherfucking cliff. But before you left you made sure to leave me with some cryptic ass line about a letter. I was the one who had to drag you out. I-"
"Had to? " Eddie could feel his heart thudding in his ears as the voice in the back of his head squealed in delight. It was right about Richie. Everything he'd done was out of guilt, "You didn't have to do shit, Rich. And if I knew you were gonna be such an jerk I would've fought harder to sink to the bottom."
"That's not fair."
"What?"
The boys were nose to nose now, eyes narrowed and breath heavy. From the outside it would be hard to guess if they would throw punches or lock lips.
"It's not fair that I want to talk about this and every time you don't want to you play the victim!! It's like you think you're the only one with problems Eds! And that selfishness isn't even what bothers me. It's this self destructive shit you keep pulling. You're not dumb, dude. Binding for an entire day in like five layers of bandages," Richie found his arms thrashing in the air with untamed excitement as he tried to explain, "And then I have to cut more off you after I drag you out of the canal?!"
Eddie could feel the hot tears trailing down his face. He wasn't sure when they began but he wished they'd stop. It made him feel more foolish than he already felt. Rich kept using that word.
Dragged.
You don't drag something you care about. 
Richie shut his mouth long enough to see Eddie's lashes sprinkled with tear drops. In the back of his mind, where the logical part of him seemed to be trapped, he knew he should take a breath and calm down. Apologize for yelling. But it was hard to be calm after everything. Especially with Eddie's mood swings- acting like the CEO of apathy one minute and a tortured soul the next.
"Fuck it, I'm going out. I need to breathe."
•••
Richie made it down to the kitchen, a few steps from the back porch when he was stopped by the distant sound of shouting.
"I swear to Christ Margret! Let me in! You're too goddamned high and your house is too much of a mess to see if my daughter is in there anyway."
Rich snuck into the hallway gaining a decent view, just in time to see his mother begin to shut the door.
"Goodbye Sonia, it was nice chatting."
Maggie pressed her slight frame against the inside of the door squeezing her eyes shut. Her tears were kept at bay until she heard her son.
"Mom?"
"Richard? Is Em," she stopped the words with an expletive, "Eddie here?"
Richie looked at his Mother, remorse washing over his skin. Her watery eyes met his waiting for an answer. He nodded.
"Is he ok?"
Another nod. Rich was trying his best not to cry. Maggie gave him a reserved smile. Just assuring enough to propel his arms into her body. She was shocked by the sudden movement, keeping still for a second before relaxing into the affection. Her hands rubbed his back as she hushed his nearly silent gasps for air.
"It's ok, honey. You're ok."
Richie felt dizzy from the ups and downs of his own emotions. The events of the day had broken through the numb casing around his brain and it began to become difficult to pinpoint why he was actually upset. Eddie's near death? His feelings towards the boy? His Mother actually acting like a human? The guilt of pushing this on her? The guilt of pushing everything on Eds? He decided it was hatred more than anything. Hatred towards himself and every decision he'd made thus far.
"Richard, dear, you can't stay here."
The words fell down on Rich like a sledge hammer coming down on a pane of ancient glass.