I kissed her.
Oh my God, I kissed her, I kissed Cari.
The worst thing of all is that I don't feel bad. I don't feel bad god dammit, I should feel bad. I cheated, I cheated on Ella.
I fucked up.
I got the hell away from Cari's place but didn't go home yet. Oh no, I can't go home yet. I can't look Ella in the eyes right now. I won't go home, I need a drink. I'll just find an excuse and tell her that Cari was late and I couldn't leave Claire.
This ends up with a lot of broken hearts.
Claire's : The little kid that stole my heart these past months. She stole my heart and filled it with happiness but what did I do? I broke her heart. She is a kid and of course doesn't know what a heartbreak is but I know it. Cari knows it too. I should've paid more attention. Not that she's my kid, of course Cari does an amazing job making Claire happy all alone but Claire wanted me and I wasn't there.
Ella's : How will I tell her what I did? She has done nothing but being perfect with me. She has done nothing but being perfect with everyone and everyone liked her, well except of Cari. This will tear her apart and I don't want to dissapoint her like I do with everyone all the time. I love her, there's no doubt in that. But I just.. I don't know.
I guess I don't love her as much as she needs and wants me too.
Cari and mine's : We went through fire and ice and again we end up here. I don't know if we can give each other things that we had gave almost 4 years ago. But I know still she likes me and I feel fucking guilty for liking her too. I mean, I shouldn't for obvious reasons.
But who am I kidding? I knew I liked her since the moment I looked into her eyes 6 months ago. I slowly started falling in love with her again. But when I met Ella at the usual bar, I was so sure that she would change the game. She is pretty, absolutely pretty and a great personality. She needs someone that is fully commited to her and that someone is not mean. I can't play her like this.
And just like that, I'm at the bar again. The usual bar that everyone can find me. They changed it's name, it's called Dominiom now. The bartender who is also my friend brought my usual drink, without even asking me what I wanted cause he knew.
" You know what Shannon? " Nataly, his girlfriend sat next to me. I looked at her with a confused expresion on my face.
" You can't always do this, y'know. You can never drink the pain away. " she pointed at the second glass of lemon whiskey I was drinking.
" You can try. " I took another sip. She let out a sarcastic laugh and rolled her eyes.
" You have tried numerous times, haven't you? " she now made a noise with her nails against the bar counter that made me cringe. " Just stop doing this. You're here everytime goes wrong and always refuse to talk about i- "
" What do you want to hear Nataly?! I am a fuck up okay? I just cheated on my girlfriend with my ex. I kissed her and I loved it and I wanted more. She didn't kiss me. I did. And don't feel bad about it and I hate it, I hate that I don't feel bad. How will I look her in the eyes with the way she wanted me to? How cause I can't do that Nat, I just can't. " I finished out of breath, being so ready to smash the filled glass against the wall. Nataly and Tim were looking at me with wide eyes.
" Doesn't it feel better? Releasing all the shit out? " Tim sat on the stool and looked at Nataly who was smirking now.
" She just wanted motivation. " Nataly replied for me.
" I just don't know what to do. " I pushed the glass away, making the liquid fall out of the glass. My hands were resting on the counter and my face was in my hands.
