A Beautiful Mess

Chapter 19

Oh God, when did I turn this horny! Stupid Stupid so stupid! Not that I regret that moment but it just wasn't right, the time and everything. 

Uff...I tossed and turned and kept hitting my stupid fluffy pillow. Everything was stupid. At around 1, I finally gave up, took my meds and quickly dozed off.

In the middle of the night, my phone started vibrating but I was hardly able to open my eyes from the drowsiness. So I ignored my phone and slept again. The next thing I heard was my doorbell and door being banged ruthlessly. I walked to the door with a lot of effort and cracked it open to see Josh in a disoriented state, he was definitely crying. 

“Josh” I said and quickly opened the door.

“Kalsi, Kalsi, I don’t know what happened but she won't wake up, she just won’t!” He cried frantically. 

Everything from that moment was a blur.

*******

I just stood motionless when she was being lowered into the ground, my head was about to explode yet I couldn't utter a word, my throat and eyes throbbed yet I couldn't cry. If someone removed your heart and buried it how would you feel? Can you describe that, you can't and that indescribable pain is what I felt.

Zarine Lekha and Arya stood around me. I don’t blame them but they couldn't comfort me and they for sure couldn't feel what it felt like. Arya came closer and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, 

“Kalsi,” she said.

“I’m fine,” I murmured in a barely audible voice.

“I’m going to go home now, can you drop me?” I asked.

“Yes Ofcourse,” she said.

“I'll see you guys” and waved lightly to Zarine and Lekha. 

“Are you, going to be okay? They asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Should we come over?” Lekha asked.

“Not tonight,” I said and walked towards Arya's car.

Vidyut hugged me.

“Tonight have it your way, but we are going to be there tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” I said and walked over to the car.

I walked into Gams apartment and couldn't stand there for a second. I felt suffocated, imagining that house without gam in it, that kitchen without gam swirling with her spatula in her hand humming and cooking, that couch where I slept on her lap and watched nonsensical shows for hours, that house was no more a home it was just an empty apartment with bricks. I ran into my apartment and went into the bedroom. I had the bottle in my hand and popped Two... Three... No five pills and pushed it down my throat with water. Soon it kicked off and I slept, that night I slept with my Gam, my Mumma, for the last time. 

‘Good night, Gam.’

********

I woke up with someone calling out my name and shaking me vigorously. I tried to open my eyes and managed to do so very slowly. I saw a scared Josh hovering over me, I sat upright.

“Water,” I mouthed.

And he bought me a glass full of water, which I drank at my own speed, while he sat at the edge of my bed.

“What time is it? Is it morning yet?” I asked squinting my eyes and looking around.

“It’s almost night; you slept the entire day, I came to check on you in the morning but you were obviously sleeping so, umm anyway, how do you feel now?” He asked.