REDEFINED

V

heart·bro·ken
/ˈhärtˌbrōkən/
adjective
(of a person) suffering from overwhelming distress; very upset

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This has, without a doubt, been the worst week of my life.

I've cried every day, both at home and at school. My closest friends feel the same way I do. We've all been crushed.

People that aren't in band with us thought someone died. We all came out of class Monday, our cheeks splotchy, our eyes shining with tears, our heads hung low. I'll admit, it probably did look like someone had died. But I'll also admit that it felt like someone had died.

Monday morning, band went on as usual. We stopped halfway through class and put our things away. We all thought our band director was going easy on us since we had just performed at contest on Saturday morning. But once we all returned to our seats and he had our attention, he told us he had a letter to read.

I don't remember the exact words in the letter. I was frozen once I figured out what it was about. All I remember is sitting there, tears streaming, a weight on my chest, not able to move. All I remember is hearing our band director, a young man that's been with us since day 1 of everything, say he was leaving this August to return to college and get his Masters degree.

My best friend, my parabatai if those existed in the real world, the person I would protect with my life, had to run from the room to throw up. I was so shocked I couldn't move to help her. I wish I had moved. I wish I had followed and been there. But I froze.

The last time I felt this heartbroken was when I realized I would probably never see Murray again. How could I not freeze?

It still doesn't seem real to me. I feel like I'll come to band camp this August and he'll be there to lead us. I feel like when we go on our big band trip to Florida this December, he'll be there by our side. I feel like nothing's going to change.

But then I sit and I think. I begin to process the fact that none of those things will be true. That he won't be there for our senior year like he promised. That no matter what, a new director will be leading us.

So here's a letter to the band director that changed me:

Since the beginning, you've been there. You were there when I tried out for a chorus solo for the first time in 8th grade. You were there when I auditioned for Dorothy for the 8th grade production of The Wizard of Oz and I was wearing my black District 13 t-shirt and my boot cut jeans tucked into my black boots and I got cast as Glinda, the pinkest, happiest character instead. You were there through every awkward phase from middle school to today. You are a big part of the reason I love singing as much as I do.

To think that you won't be there for the end breaks my heart. I'm happy that you're pursuing your dreams but it hurts to see you leave. It hurts more than I thought it would.

In every class and at every practice this week, I've felt dragged down. All I could manage to do during track on Monday was stand there by the hurdles and cry. I have to write a research paper about 13 Reasons Why in the next few weeks and I don't know if I can. Prom is this weekend and I don't know how happy I'll be.

You told us a few years ago that you wouldn't leave and that if you did it'd be after we graduated. You lied. You lied and you broke more hearts than you know and nothing you do can truly fix it. You took your relationship with us and you shattered it. I can't look at you the same way anymore.

As I sit here with hot tears streaking down my face, I don't know what to think. I almost had a panic attack today when I was walking to class. I felt like a truck hit me on Monday and I feel like it's continuing to hit me over and over again as the days go by.

You have been a precious and blessed person in my life. Next year, when you're gone, I'll try to remember the good things. I'll try to remember how many times you've made me laugh and cry and taught me something new. I'll remember all the little sticky notes left in your office, mostly from me with the titles of the books I've recently read on them. I'll remember all the late night talks me and my friends have had with you after Wednesday night rehearsals.

And next year when the senior chorus kids of my grade sing "For Good", I'll think of you. I'll think of all the amazing ways you've blessed my life.

So even though it's bittersweet and I don't ever want to see you go, I have to say goodbye. Not forever, just for a little while, but it's goodbye, and it hurts all the same.

With all the love in my heart and more,

A💙