REDEFINED

XIV

wear·y
/ˈwirē/
adjective
calling for a great amount of energy or endurance; tiring and tedious

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Corona. Covid-19. Coronavirus. No matter what you call it, it's something that has affected everyone. It started out with online classes and high hopes for the near future to get right back to normal. Then it turned into a summer without work, without friends, without anything we're used to. But still, hopes for the future were high.

And that brings us to today: a little past the halfway point in the fall semester of the 2020-2021 school year. The US election ends in a few days and I am simultaneously hoping for the best and completely fearing the worst. But even with time feeling warped and the struggles of this year feeling endless, today I found myself hating the past.

"Patience only gets you so far, blood will get you further. Pain will only make your heart hard, tossed in fury's weather. Innocence is beautiful to see. Won't you box it up for me?"

Looking back at high school, I can't help but be grateful that it's over. I escaped. I survived. I look at how I faced struggle after struggle, set back after set back, and yet here I stand. But earlier I realized that that endless string of negatives I thought I escaped is still haunting me.

Even though Star Wars is technically just another story, I really believe it all started there. I can vividly remember how absolutely ecstatic I was for The Rise of Skywalker to come out. And then it did and all that happiness died. I watched as some of my favorite characters were wronged over and over, all in the name of what was supposedly a fan-pleasing finale.

A few months later, Covid, which had felt like such a distant problem for so long, was suddenly at our doorstep. It was okay at first. Yes, I struggled a bit with classes suddenly being online, but who didn't? It felt like we would all be okay in a matter of months. Then over the summer, more and more and more was thrown into the pot, making life feel more congested then ever. Between Black Lives Matter, the election, and political unrest in my home, 2020 felt inescapable.

Earlier, I was having a conversation with my mom when the fact that I didn't make it into the Shawn Mendes "Wonder" fan lyric video came up. At first I said, "I dealt with that." And then tears slowly grew in my eyes and while partially out of breath, I whispered, "I guess I'm dealing with it." It sparked something in me and suddenly I couldn't stop crying. I felt every negative thing I should have been feeling the last few weeks, but in trying to be kind to others, I didn't let anyone see me upset.

It's not that I'm heartbroken about not making it in. I knew that the chances were one in a million. I knew that it was very likely that I would open the video and watch it and not see my face, smiling with pride over how much Shawn has inspired me. I knew it was more likely to end bad than good. But still, I had hope, but that too has died. I think that this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. This was just the one tiny setback that made me realize just how scared and heartbroken and angry I am.

"Oh, give me strength, and give me peace. Does anyone out there want to hear me?"

Anytime something bad happens, I try to remember that it could be much worse. I could be out on the streets because my parents lost their jobs. Someone close to me could've gotten sick and died. I could be living in a world that accepts me much less than the one I'm living in now, even though I'm not quite sure this world has accepted me anyways. So many big things could've gone wrong, but they didn't.

But then I remember that sometimes, it's okay to be selfish. It's okay to put your foot down and say, "I don't like this, and I'm going to do something about it."

"Sadness is my enemy, I fear time will age him gently. Walking by my side for all these years, seems that we've grown friendly. Happiness is beautiful to see. Won't you box it up for me?"

My anxiety has been with me for as long as I can remember. I used to fear it, before I knew it's name. But over the years, I've made my peace with it. I've looked it in the eye and said, "I acknowledge you, but I do not fear you." My hope is that I can learn to think of life in that way. That one day I'll be able to look at all the bad things and still be happy.

"It's just another downpour, don't let it get the best of you. It's only up from the floor, light everything inside of you. I don't wanna let you go, I don't wanna let you go. Don't burn out, don't burn out on me."

Life with Covid has made me fear for the filmmaking industry. As a movie theater employee, I'm watching every movie get pushed back or not have any viewers. I'm paying attention to articles about how production on shows and movies keeps getting thrown off balance or cancelled. It sets a dark and terrible fear in my heart about the future, specifically my own.

When I feel these moments of helplessness, I look to my future self. I look to the young woman that's won Oscars for Best Directing, that's made the stories she's only ever dreamed about come to life, that's paved the way for the women who will come after her. I look to her and I wish on every star in the sky and ask that despite everything, I'll make it there.

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