REDEFINED

VIII

When I was younger, I can't remember exactly how young, one of my best friends got very sick and nearly died. This girl has been my friend since day one and I think of her as the sister I never had. Knowing that she might die scared me more than anything else.

Last year, one of my brother's friends got very sick. I can still remember the moment my mom whispered to me that she was afraid he would die. That little boy eventually got better and now lives and moves and breaths as if nothing happened.

Over the last few weeks, another one of my brother's friends has been hospitalized with a mystery illness, the whole town praying for a diagnosis.

Today, my mom sat my brother and I down and told us that he has brain cancer.

One of my biggest fears in the last few years has been that my brother would have a terrible middle school experience like I did. With him being in seventh grade and after all that's happened already, I have the terrible feeling that my fears will be made real.

The worst torture I've ever felt is knowing something bad is happening and knowing you can't do anything about it. All I can do is pray that this little boy doesn't die. It's selfish in a way, but I don't want this happening mostly because I don't know if my brother can handle it. I've heard stories of kids his age getting involved with drugs, running away from home, even killing themselves. I can't imagine what would happen to me if that happened to my brother.

I feel like the universe is out to get me and won't let me have a break. I understand the concept of God having a plan and a reason for everything, but the last year has caused more anxiety and panic attacks than I've had since Murray first went missing. My mental health is on a slow decline and I can't find the words to explain it to anyone. My friends don't understand why I'm so on edge and anxious all the time. Just last week, I had a panic attack during a game night with some band kids. There was no reason for it, but it still happened. I almost had another panic attack during play rehearsal the other day. I'm on the crew this year because I refuse to put myself through a classic Shakespeare play, but all we were doing was painting and when one kid asked one too many times why I was complaining, I just cried.

I don't want to say I'm depressed because I'm pretty sure I'm not, but something's wrong. I'm just tired of crying and feeling mad about everything happening to me.

I just have to pray that my brother and his friend will be okay, and if they aren't, I pray that I'll have enough strength to carry him and hold him up. I would pray for myself too but I've never been the selfish type in that way.

Instead, I'll ask that God keeps my head above the water long enough for me to push through this and be stronger when this seemingly endless time of darkness is over.