Was it always you? ~ H.G

Chapter 53

Georgia's POV

"We got another show in about 2 months." I say shocking all of them.

"Where? Why? How?" Nash and Cameron both say.

"At my school, because it was either that or I was in 3 school plays and head master saw videos of our show and apparently half of the school obsess over us so he said it's either we do a show or i'm in 3 shitty school plays and fuck that." I explain and then Gilinsky pulls me to the side.

"What about your belly, it's gonna be showing by then." he whispers. Shit.

"I'll just have to wear one of Taylor's hoodies or something like that but I can't bail now. If I do then imma have even more issues with Dennis and then i'll get taken away from you guys, plus I can't be in containment or an adoption center pregnant can i?" I explain becoming slightly nervous of what's gonna happen now.

"fair enough but if it gets too much i'll cover and say you were ill." Jack responds holding me in his embrace. 

"I'm gonna go out for a while okay? Just tell the guys I went bed or something, i'm gonna sneak out the back and i'll come back with Hayes." I say walking up stairs as he agrees and goes back into the kitchen. I go straight to Taylor's room and put on one of his hoodies and his red bandanna then leave out the back door into our back garden and I jump the fence because there isn't a gate in the back garden.

I had my penny board with me and rode it all the way to the local grave yard and search for Taylor's grave that's placed directly in the middle at the back of the grave yard. I sit in front of his grave with my penny board resting on my lap and just cry because that was all I could do at this moment in time. Shit was just getting to be too much and whenever I felt like that i'd go to him and he'd let me just cry into his chest but the problem was he couldn't do that anymore and that just made shit a lot harder to deal with. 

I started speaking to him even though I knew I wouldn't get a response. "I know I haven't been to see you at all really since you died and I had my reasons, the main one being that I knew if I did then it would be just like this, me struggling to even get a word out through my tears but here I am." I slightly giggle through tears. "You were always my rock Taylor and I need you here because shits just got so much harder now. I'm pregnant, I've been kicked out of so many schools, I'm almost being kicked out of my current one, some of my best friends died in a car crash and out of the two that survived one of them went with Mark, after he cheated on me. I still struggle with being in your bed room you know. When you first died I wouldn't leave your bedroom. And I know exactly what you'd say if you could see me right now, 'You put that bandanna on wrong, I gotta fix it' or 'you know my hoodies are way too big you right?' and I need you to know that without you here to help me now shits got so much harder and I love you so much but I don't even know if I can come back here and see you again because next time I won't be able to speak to you how I am right now. I won't get a single fucking word out. I'm sorry if your embarrassed about how I am right now, druggie, alcoholic, violent, annoying, slaggy. Everything I am right now has all happened because it was the only way I could deal with loosing you and i'm so sorry if it's not what you want or expected but it's who I am now and even if I wanted to change, i'm pretty sure I can't anymore but those boys that you left in charge of me, they're so helpful and I love them and you with all my heart." I manage to say to him before I burst into tears again and sit on his grave with my back against his grave stone, curled up in a ball crying again. After 20 more minutes I get a text from Hayes saying that he doesn't need picking up he's just gonna get an Uber and I told Jack to tell the guys I went to pick him up so I had to hurry up and get home. 

I removed Taylor's bandanna from my head and put it on his grave then ran out and penny boarded the rest of the way home. 

I got back just as Hayes's Uber pulled up at the house and he got out and ran straight over to me.