Drown

Chapter 10

I was lying on a park bench at 2:45 the next morning. I'd spent my night wandering the city, hoping I would find him.  I thought about going home, thinking maybe he'd be there.  But there was something telling me he wasn't.   I was so exhausted from walking around and holding myself together all nignt.  Only the cold March air was keeping me awake. 

My phone started vibrating in my hand and I strained my eyes to look at the screen.   It was my friend Abbi.  I thought about ignoring it, but Abbi was one of my friends that Greyson had gotten pretty close with.  There was a bit of hope left in me.

"Tell me you have Greyson or I don't want to talk." I answered.

"I do." she said, "He's freaking out on me though.   I don't know what's going on, Luca.  He just showed up at my door a few minutes ago.  He was begging me not to call you but he's so drunk that he can't possibly be thinking straight.  So I panicked and locked him in a closet."

"Keep him in there.  Whatever you do, don't let him leave."  I said, already running in the direction of her apartment. "Is he okay otherwise?"

"I don't know.  He's all cut up."

"Where?"  I asked. "Where and how badly?"

"All over his arms.  It's pretty bad.  Looks like he did it on purpose."

"No!" I gasped.  "Abbi I need you to check his pockets.  See if he has anything sharp with him."

"Luca, I'm so scared.  What's happening?" she asked.

"I'll explain later.  Just, please help me."

In the time I'd known him I'd only seen Greyson drink once.  And he only got a little buzzed.  So I knew he had to have drank a serious amount of alcohol.  I tried not to think about where he'd been or what he'd done in the hours since I'd seen him.  I made it to Abbi's in fifteen minutes,  and went right in when I got there. 

I found Abbi sitting in front of a closet door, half asleep.  I touched her shoulder and she jolted awake.

"He in there?" I asked. 

"Yeah.  He passed out right after we hung up.  He's a mess, Luca."

"I know." I sighed.

"I found this." she said, handing me a flimsy blade that seemed to have been ripped out of disposable razor, "I really don't understand why you deal with it.  I mean, I love Greyson.  He's like one of my best friends.  But isn't he a lot of work?"

"Yeah, it's hard.  But I love him."

"How can you be in love with someone so, broken?"

I looked down and laughed a little, but not at her. 

"He's sick, not broken."

She nodded and stood up, letting me open the closet door.  I was instantly hit by the scent of sweat and alcohol.  Greyson was curled in a ball on his side.  He was in a tank top, so I could see his entire right arm.  It was covered from shoulder to wrist in red lines and dried blood.  Luckily, they didn't look like they would scar too badly.  He didn't go very deep, he just did a lot.  A tear rolled off my cheek, but I didn't let myself cry.  I knelt down and kissed the top of his head. 

"Wake up, my love."  I whispered.

I knew he was in no state to be awake, but we needed to go home.   This wasn't where we needed to be and it wasn't fair to Abbi.  After a few more tries, he opened his blood shot eyes.  I stood him up, and Abbi put a sweatshirt on him.  She said we didn't have to leave, but I insisted that we did.  We walked to a subway station and got into an empty car.  Greyson was only half conscious.  His eyes kept closing, and he needed to lean on me to stay standing.  But I could feel that he was conscious enough to understand what was happening.  

We made it home, and I helped him take off his dirty, damp clothes.  I only managed to get a pair of boxers on him without struggling.  I sat him down in the kitchen and cleaned off him arms with a towel and some peroxide.  It was hard enough for me to see the scars on his legs and not get a little sad.  But now here I was having to touch fresh cuts, and I wouldn't let myself shed another tear. 

Sleep was not an option for me that night.  I wasn't going to risk having him wake up and leave before I got to talk to him.  So I didn't get in bed with him, even though that's all I really wanted.  I just stood there, watching him for a while.  At six oclock, I left the room to make breakfast.  I figured he'd be pretty hungry after all of this.  When I went back into the bedroom, Greyson was awake. 

It seemed like he'd forgotten what happened.  He had both his arms covering his face while he stretched, and said good morning to me just as he always did.  It was obvious that he felt sick though.  He kept closing his eyes and breathing deeply, trying to get over a head or stomachache.  I sat down next to him as he sat up.  He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, and I lost it.

"Luca, hey, what's wrong?"  he asked.

I grabbed one of his hands and pulled his arm up in front of him.  He just looked, acknowledged the marks scattered all over his skin, and layed back down.

"Grey, we have to talk."  I said quietly.

"No.  I'll leave soon.  Just let me sleep a little longer."

"You aren't going anywhere.  You can't keep running from things like this."

He was quiet for a while, then sat back up to speak.

"You don't deserve this.  You're young, Luca.  I don't want you to have to babysit me to make sure I'm not killing myself.  I have to go-" 

"Shut up!"  I snapped. "If I wanted to leave you I would have done it by now.  I know I don't have to do this.  I don't have to help you or try to take care of you.  But I do because I want to.  I want you to be alright, Greyson.  So you need to stop saying that you need to leave.  I said I was going to marry you, and even after last night, I still intend to.  You can't run from me.  We need to talk about this."

His eyes moved down towards my lap, but they didn't really seem to focus.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Then let's start from the beginning.  Who is Jake?"

He took a deep breath and looked up, but past me instead of at me.

"I used to date him, back in England."

"And what did you do that made him go so crazy?"

"When I left," he began, "We never really broke up, I guess.  I just went to his house and told him I'd call him when I got here.  But I never did, because I didn't want to lead him on anymore.  He was older than me, so I felt like dating him would be good for me.  So I'd tell him I loved him all the time, and he said he loved me, but I knew I never really did.  But he thought I did; and when I never called, I guess he got pretty upset.  But I thought it'd be best for him, you know, to just let me be gone?  And last night I learned that he never got over it; and that I am an even more terrible person than I previously thought."

"No matter what you did to him, he had no right to tell me what he did.  I'm just happy it was something I already knew about and not some big shock."  I said.

Greyson looked at me and forced a small smile.

 "I don't really remember much about what happened after I left.  There was just, a lot of running.  Then I woke up for like, three minutes in Abbi's hall closet with my arms feeling like they were on fire."  he looked at one of his arms and examined it for a minute. "I don't even remember doing this to myself."

His voice cracked, but he didn't start crying.  This time he held it together.  He took my right hand in his own, tapping our rings together a few times.  

"I want help."  he said suddenly, looking right into my eyes.

"Really?"

"Yeah." he smiled, "I've always been too scared to do it.  I don't want to have to talk to a therapist, or rely on pills, but I need to do it.  You deserve it."