Drown

Chapter 16

I opened my eyes when I heard the sound of tires screeching from the street below my window. 

"Aw, I was enjoying that."  I heard Greyson say.

"Enjoying what?"  I asked, propping myself up on my elbows.

"Watching you sleep."  He smiled, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek.

He was sitting up in his spot with his legs crossed.  His notebook sat open in his lap.

"You know what I've never asked you?"

"No, what have you never asked me?" he asked, picking up his pen and starting to write again.

"Why exactly do you like to write so much?"

"It's not that I like it.  It's that I have to."

"Okay, then why do you have to?"

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." Then he set his pen down and looked at me, "Ray Bradbury."

"And how do you always have a quote ready to throw at me?  That's another thing I've never asked you."

"I don't know.  Things just stick with me." he shrugged.  "Now go back to sleep.  I was more productive when you weren't talking."

"Wow.  I feel so loved."  I said, pulling a fake pout.

"Don't worry.  You are."  Greyson smiled.

Instead of going back to sleep, I sat up completely and took Greyson's notebook from him.  I didn't read it.  I just set it down on my side table.  Greyson didn't have anytime to fight me or ask why I'd taken it.  I pulled him onto me so that he was sitting on my hips, then lifted the blanket over our heads.  I kissed him once, then just held his forehead against mine and watched him.

"What?" he said after a minute of silence.

"I'm just happy you're home."

He smiled at me softly, running his hands up and down my arms.

"I was home as soon as I was in your arms last night."

"I know." I sighed, moving my arms to hold him around his waist.

"Are you okay?" Greyson asked.

"Yeah," I said quietly. "I just love you so much.  I can't even begin to tell you how shitty it was without you around."

"You had Sam though.  That must have made it better."

"She made it a little less lonely, but it's not like I could love on Sam."

"You could if you really wanted to."

"Okay, there are three reasons why that would be wrong."

"What are they?" Greyson asked.

"Well firstly, I would consider it cheating if I was all cuddled up with her the way I do with you.  Secondly, she's sixteen.  And third, she's a girl.  In case you haven't noticed, I don't even like girls."

"Well all that matters is that I'm here now.  You can love on me all you want."

"Since when are you the one to focus on the good side of things?" I asked.  I was used to being the one to make him cheer up, not the other way around.

He let out a deep breath and kissed me on the nose. 

"I had a dream last night that scared me more than anything ever has.  I won't say that I'm cured, because that would be completely absurd.   But I feel different now.  It was kind of a wake up call, you know?  I mean, I've known that I need to get better for a while.  But now I feel like I really need to get better."

"Another bad dream? What was this one about?"

He looked away from me for a second and bit at the inside of his bottom lip.

"We were driving on a highway, and I was really upset about something.  You were trying to calm me down and drive at the same time.  We ended up wrecking, and we both died."

"So you had a dream that I became a bad driver?"  I asked, half joking.

"Luca, I don't want to be remembered as this guy who was sad so constantly that it caused him to die from something that wasn't even suicide.   And I don't want you to be remembered as someone who gave every bit of himself to someone who didn't deserve any of it."

"You deserve it, Grey."

"That's the thing." he snapped, more at himself than at me, "I don't.  I don't deserve to have you love me so much when I can't even try to make myself worth loving."

I didn't say anything.  I thought Greyson was perfect.  Depressed or not, he was still going to be the guy I asked to marry me.  But he didn't feel that way.

"So I have to force myself to get better.  I'm not going to try and get help from anyone.  I'm going to stop being such a little bitch and start functioning like a twenty year old guy is supposed to."

"I'm twenty." I smiled,  "You're still nineteen for another month."

"Were you even listening to what I was trying to say?" he sighed.

"Of course I was." I said.  "You don't want us to be remembered as a dysfunctional couple, so we're going to make you get better."

"No.  I am.  I can't rely on you to save me from everything I get scared of.  I feel so bad for you, Luca.  I mean, you get scared of things too.  But I'm never able to help you because while you're nervous, I'm crying about it."

"You really don't think you deserve me?" I asked after a minute.

He shook his head no, looking down at my chest.

"Is Sam still the only person you told about the engagement?"

Nod.

I took a deep breath and slid my ring off my finger.

"Here." I sighed, handing it to him.

"You can't be serious." he gasped, looking completely disgusted.

"I'm not leaving you." I smiled, and watched the pain on his face fade. "I still want you forever.  But I want you to give this back to me when you think you deserve it.  And until then, neither of us will tell anyone about it.  Okay?" 

"So, you're still going to be here for cuddles, right?" he asked, trying to smile.

"Grey, I still love you more than anything on earth.  I just want you to decide when you deserve a fiancé."

He pressed the ring into his palm and took off his own.  I saw tears welling up in his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away. 

"It'll happen." he said. "I promise."