Drown

Chapter 17

For a while, things actually seemed to be getting better. Greyson was trying so hard to not get stressed out about things that didn't matter too much. When he did get upset, he tried to handle it himself instead of hiding behind me. There were only a few times when Greyson broke down and needed me to save him.

When it came to all of his bad thoughts (the things he said he wrote about in his notebook) he didn't keep them hidden anymore. When I noticed him zoning out or getting caught in his own head, I'd pull him back and make him talk about it. It was never easy listening to what he said. Even if there was no trigger he would start thinking about things like cutting himself or what drowning might feel like. At first he would get upset when he talked about it. But as time went by he would just hug me and apologize for being so hard to deal with.

It was Friday, October 24th, almost seven months after I'd given Greyson my ring. Sam had gone back to living at with her parents, but still came and hung out with us a lot. I was walking back home from class alone. Greyson had morning classes today, but I was the only one with a class that ended at 10pm.

I walked into the apartment at 10:30pm. I expected to be attacked with hugs and kisses like usual, but the place was quiet. I was a little concerned at first, thinking something had happened to Greyson while I was gone. But I found him and Sam both asleep in our bed.

I flicked the lights on and off to try and wake them up, but they were both out cold. After hitting them with pillows and pulling the blanket off without getting a response, I decided to scare them awake.

"You lying piece of shit!" I shouted, making Greyson's eyes pop open, "I fucking knew you were cheating on me! In my own god damn bed too!"

Greyson looked genuinely scared for a minute, but when I smiled he jumped up.

"You know what I like." he said, smiling through the kiss he'd pulled me into.

After grabbing his ass due to the hormones suddenly raging through my body, I remembered Sam was in the room.

"You guys are obviously wanting to 'get it on,'" she laughed, "So I will see you later."

I watched her leave the room and listened for the front door to close.

"Boner killer." I huffed.

"Well that goes for one of us." Greyson whispered.

"Boner saved."

So we spent some time having a bit of fun, then shared a bowl of soup and went to bed. When I woke up it was still dark outside my window, and Greyson was standing at the end of the bed wrapped in the bed sheet.

"What are you doing?" I yawned, sitting up to look at the time on my phone. "It's four in the morning."

"Have you ever been up on the roof of this building?" he asked quickly, ignoring my question.

"I haven't. Why?"

"Let's go up."

He seemed very excited and slightly panicked. Before I could say anything, he had a pair of pajama shorts on and was out of the room.

"Greyson, wait!" I shouted after him, feeling a wave of nerves run through me.

Why was he so eager to get up there?

"What?" he groaned, popping his head back through the door and pulling his best puppy dog eyes.

"Give me two minutes."

I pulled on a shirt, pajama pants, and a sweatshirt. I mean, it was pretty cold out. I followed Greyson out into the hallway; forcing him to hold my hands when we went up the stairs. He tried to let go of my hand so he could push open the door, but I wouldn't let at him. He looked at me; obviously confused.

"You are forcing me onto the roof of a thirty story apartment building in the middle of the night and without explaining yourself. I am not letting you walk around alone."

"You think I'm going to jump?" he asked quietly.

I just shrugged my shoulders. How could I tell him that that was exactly what I thought? He looked to the floor and let out a deep breath.

"Fine, restrain me if it makes you feel better. But if I was planning on killing myself I wouldn't bring you with me. I just want to look at the city."

He leaned against the door to push it open. No alarms went off, so that was a good thing. I didn't let him go. I believed him when he said he wasn't going to jump, but I was still nervous. I wasn't going to risk it.

Greyson walked out towards the middle of the roof and stood up on top of some wooden crate that had been left there. I stayed on the concrete, watching him watch the city. We stood there silently for a good five minutes before I realized how cold it was outside and that Greyson was not wearing a shirt. I stepped up on the crate behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He laced his fingers into mine and leaned back on me slightly.

"You think we could see the Bean from here during the day?" he asked, smiling at the stupidity of the question.

"Maybe if you look through some buildings." I joked back.

Greyson sighed and jumped off the crate, walking to the edge of the building. My heart stopped for a second, but he just sat down and leaned on the edge. I sat down next to him. and did the same, my grip on his hand tightening.

"I'm not going to jump, Luca." he said, staring straight into the city.

"Just in case you change your mind." I sighed.

He scoffed at that, and I thought he was annoyed with me. But it ended up being himself that he was angry with.

"I can't believe I'm that kind of person. I mean, I've been doing good and you're still afraid I'm going to make an impulse decision to off myself. You probably brace yourself when you come back from wherever you've been because you don't know if you're about to find me dead."

He closed his eyes and tried to steady himself. He was squeezing my hand too now.

"And what really sucks is that I totally could. I try like hell not to, but next week I might decide I'm just too tired for this and slit both of my fucking wrists."

I stayed quiet. What is there to say to something like that?

"I'm not trying to sound all lovestruck or stupid, but the only reason I've lasted this long is because of you. If I didn't have you I would honestly have nothing to live for. Nothing matters to me anymore besides you."

I tried to say something; to tell him I loved him and needed him. But he kept talking over me.

"And my biggest fear should be dying. But it isn't. My biggest fear is that you'll die or leave me, or that you're only with me because you think I'll kill myself if you leave. I constantly wonder if you regret ever asking me to marry you. Maybe that's why you gave me your ring; so you could act like it didn't happen-"

As he'd been talking I kept trying to jump in and stop him. But I found that the only way he was going to quit was to close his mouth with my mouth.

"Grey, baby, listen to me." I said when I pulled away.

His face was three inches away from mine. He stared at me, shaking from both the cold and the pain, and nodded.

"Do you remember when I was in the hospital and you started talking about how you felt like I couldn't really love you?"

Nod.

"Do you remember what I told you?"

Nod.

"All of that still stands. I don't care how fucked up you are. I don't care how long it takes for you to get better. It could take the rest of our lives. I will give up everything life can offer if it's to help you. Finishing school, buying a house, traveling the world, having kids; I want all of that, but not if you aren't part of it. I have never been more sure of anything than asking you to marry me."