Love Comes in Many Ways.

To Be Bisexual, or Not To Be.

Violet☾:

Fuck. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her so bad. Why couldn't I just kiss her?

That's right. We're both straight. Well, i'm straight. As far as I know, she's also straight. Something that might also be a  big part in it, we have boyfriends! Cant forget about that part. 

You're a dumb ass, Violet. What are you thinking? I'm still trying to figure myself out and I'm wanting to go around kissing everyone? Do I have a weird lesbian side when I get high? I need to get my shit together. Am I straight? Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? Shawn is such a sweetheart and I care about him, but I also have this feeling towards Penelope that I can't explain. Am I going through a phase? I don't know how I feel anymore. I'm so confused.... Why can't life be easy?

I sat in my room that weekend and practically re-evaluated my entire life. I told Pen and Shawn that I was busy with homework so they wouldn't get worried when I didn't reply back. I wanted to be by myself and think about myself. I haven't done that lately since I'm always trying to keep busy. Maybe being close to a girl is making me confused because it's different for me. I usually hang out with guys so getting close to a girl just threw me off. That sounds stupid. Who am I kidding? Ever since I was young I thought females were pretty and seeing them naked while feeling something wasn't exactly "normal" as some would say. I knew I was different but wasn't exactly sure how. I didn't have many people in my life to talk to so I didn't figure out "being gay" was a thing. I heard about it on a tv show and started to learn about it. Everything was making sense but I ignored what I felt since I saw people getting hurt over it. It scared me.

I thought boys were cute. I also thought girls were cute. Didn't seem harmful. I didn't know how people would react so I kept quiet. Maybe I am bi? I'm sure I'm being oblivious right now. I'm just scared to actually consider myself it.... I don't have to label myself, right?

I feel happy around Shawn. He makes me smile, laugh, feel good about myself. But I don't think I feel something for him... you know? I know it's only been about 4/5 months since we've been together, but shouldn't I feel something for him by now? Have feelings for him? I've only slept with a couple of guys and I've literally felt nothing for them during and after sex. Shawn was one of them and I hoped we would have a connection, but nothing. I don't think he notices that. Or he does but tries to make it work. I suck at this feelings thing. When I'm alone I catch myself thinking about Penelope and it freaks me out. Why am I thinking about her? Why do I feel possessive for her when she's just a friend. Why do I blush when I'm around her... I never blush around people.

I hope she's okay with this. If she ever finds out I'm not only into guys. I hope I don't lose her because of that. That would probably break me...

☾ ☾ ☾

I sat by the window while looking out to the stars. I cuddled with a blanket I kept since I was little. I love this blanket, I don't know how it remains soft after so many years. I had to keep the window cracked since I was smoking. My mom was gone but if she even smelt a little of it she'd blow up on me even though she smokes it every time with my dad. I never left my room so it was trashed. I was tempted to contact Penelope, but I told myself not to.

I looked through pictures on my phone, remembering the times with her or Shawn. I had Mayday Parade playing in the background which kept me in my mood. I'm so fucking confused on what to do. Do I wait? Do I talk to Shawn? The internet seemed like a great place to get answers. I was able to find a website and it actually helped a lot. People replied to my questions and I was able to vent about what I was feeling which helped me connect my thoughts. They said I was the literal definition of bisexual, but I think I'm just going to label myself as Violet: someone who loves everyone. It sounds more simple that way. Being able to talk about my feelings helped me not feel so bottled up inside.

Am I overthinking this? Maybe I need to stop smoking. I'm just gonna let things play out and see how I feel. I don't want to ruin anything with anyone. I don't wanna be the fuck up because I couldn't get my shit together.

Am I seriously falling in love with this girl?