Tree Bros Oneshots • Dear Evan Hansen

Raindrops

a small reflection of my current emotional state. sorry.

~ alexx

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"I like listening to the rain. It makes me feel content and like I'm finally at ease."

I remember Evan saying this to me like it was yesterday. We sat on the sofa in his living room, my head in his lap, his fingers carding gently through my hair. He was the calmest I'd ever seen him as he sat listening to the raindrops bounce off the roof.

He smiled at me, that smile that could make even the toughest people melt. His free hand felt warm as I wrapped it in my own, squeezing it softly. The rain continued to fall.

I couldn't begin to tell you how long we stayed in that position. But I was happy, that's a fact. In that moment alone, Evan taught me how to appreciate the rain and it's simplicity, the calming nature of the pitter-patter of water droplets as they fall from the sky.

After that day, the rain always reminded me of Evan. I'd smile when I saw the clouds start to darken, my thoughts flooding with wonders of what the small blond might be doing, and how much of a help the rain would be for his anxiety. I'd look at him in class when it started to pour, watching him as he stared calmly out the window. And sometimes, when we were far apart, I'd sit on the covered porch and close my eyes, listening to each small raindrop as it hit the earth.

Now that Evan is gone, the rain hurts.

The darkening clouds strike pain and grief through my heart. When it rains during school, I have to force tears back as my gaze instinctively moves toward his unoccupied desk. At times I'll visit his gravestone in the pouring rain, salty tears mixing with the raindrops that cover my face as I scream and cry.

The rain still reminds me of Evan. But now, it reminds me that he's gone. It reminds me that I'll never experience the contentment and joy I felt the day we spent together because he's gone. It reminds me that he climbed that stupid tree and he let go and now he's gone.

If only it had rained.