Life Is Challenging (RE-MASTERED)

Chapter 6: Flashback Horror

Hello everyone, please please please use caution when reading this chapter, it's a flashback chapter and it's going to be triggering. Please do not attempt anything I write about in real life. Please.

It's the start of my 8th grade year, mom sent me to high school. And I absolutely hate it, a month in and everyone hates me. And makes fun of me.

"I hate myself, I hate my mom, I hate my life!!!" I say repeatedly into the bathroom mirror, I take out my razor blade and drag it across my forearm, then I do it again, and again and again, until my arm is covered in a sticky crimson red. I just can't stop slicing the pain away of not being wanted by anyone, I move up to my bicep and cut deeper and deeper. It's hurting but I can't stop, until finally I drop it and  collapse. Mom finds me and rushes me to the ER, hoping I didn't lose too much blood.

"Mom?  Where am I?" I wake up to the sound of a heart monitor and a burning in my left arm, I look over and see its wrapped up tight.

"You cut yourself pretty bad sweety, we had to get you some help or you could've died. Thankfully we found you in time." Mom said, genuinely concerned.

"I'm sorry mom, I just haven't been okay since dad died." I say trying to sit up.  I wince as I lay back down. "God it hurts so much."

"Now Jimmy, you have 50 stitches from those cuts.  They want you to go through therapy for suicidal thoughts."

"Fuck that, that will just make me worse." I look at the wraps on my arm and just feel a constant pulsing. "I cant go through it, I'm not ready to talk about it yet, and forcing me to will just make this happen again." I say slightly shouting now.  I rip out my IV and heart monitor and leave the room, my doctor brought the discharge papers moments before I woke up.

    "James Craig Carswell, you get your ass back in this room and take the offer, I won't have to pay for it sweety!" Mom says in a gentle yet firm tone.

    I walk out the door and rip off the bandages on my arm, I see several lines of stitches and wonder if it was all worth it. I honestly wish I would have bled out.  I hate my family and want them to experience all the pain I am feeling and have felt my entire life.

Fast forward to the month right before I left for Blackwell.  I am talking with mom about me moving to Blackwell for the year.

"Why do you want me to leave so bad? I don't want to leave you mom, you still need so much help around the house." I walk out the door and head to the woods.  I sit there and hope to God nobody finds me. All I want is to be left alone and not bothered. I pull out a gun I found in dad's office, mom hasn't touched the office in a year. I look at it and turn it over several times. I think to myself,

This is it, this is the time I'll actually do it and rid the world of the sad excuse for a human I am.

    I pull out a bullet from my pocket and load the chamber of the gun and close the chamber.

Please god, don't let me have the strength to do this I don't want to die

Tears start forming in my eyes as I turn my phone on to Spotify and start playing the one song that I always listen to when I get upset. The song that speaks the words I can't say.

"I hate myself, I really really hate myself, I'm such a loser and a burden I can't do it." I raise the gun to my temple, as I pulled the hammer back with the letter to my mom on the ground next to me, I cry and keep repeating sorry, over and over again feeling like this was the only way for anyone to love me, was to finally end it all. I sit there, tears in my eyes knowing this isn't the way, I pull the trigger and....
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Nothing.  I open my eyes and see nothing has changed, I cry harder as I realize what could have happened. I didn't think I would ever sink so low as to attempt to take my own life. I grab the gun and run home and go to the bathroom and pull out the razor again, slicing my arm, over the healed scars.

    "Stupid stupid stupid, how can you be so fucking stupid as to try killing yourself. It'll never solve anything and never be the answer!!!!" I clean my arm up in the shower and put on a long sleeve shirt so mom won't notice, she calls me into the living room to tell me some good news, that I will be going to Blackwell Academy in Arcadia Bay. A place I never heard of before.  I close my eyes. "Is this what you meant by sending me away? You got me a scholarship?!?! Thank you so much mom!!!"  I felt completely horrible, thinking my mom just wanted to get rid of me.  I should have known better.

I wake up in my bed, soaked in sweat.  I look at my phone and notice it's 2 am.  I am back home in the dorms at Blackwell. I know it's a long shot but I decided to text Chloe asking if she's awake.

J:Hey Chloe, I know it's late but are you up?
C: I am now, what's wrong babe?
J:I just had a bad nightmare and I needed to know I had you still.
C: Yes Jimmy, you got me. Now if I don't get some sleep you will have to deal with a fierce as hell Chloe tomorrow and you don't want that.
J: Normal Chloe isn't fierce enough?
C: Ha-ha very funny goodnight.

I lay my phone back down and stare at the ceiling I look at my arm and see all the scars. It brings back those memories, and I head off to the bathroom..... with my razor.

    I sit in the shower wondering how Chloe is going to react when she sees what I've done. I start slicing away and cry hard, harder than I've ever cried.
"Jimmy? WHAT THE HELL MAN?!" Warren rushes to me seeing my arm soaked in crimson liquid. "We've got to get this covered up dude, what did you do?!"

     I continue to cry and apologize to Warren for having to find me like this. I make him promise not to tell Max or Chloe about this. I make him pinky promise on it. I know Chloe would be upset if she knew and Max would tell her immediately if she found out.

"Don't worry man, I won't tell anyone.  It's your secret to tell." Warren is a great friend, even if I get annoyed at him sometimes.  I'm still lost in my own mind, not even aware of what's going on.  Warren walks me back to my dorm and doesn't leave until I feel normal again.

   "I'm feeling okay now man, you can go back to bed.  Sorry for waking you." 

    "You didn't wake me, I had to pee and I just saw you in there twitching with your razor, which I flushed by the way to avoid this happening again."  I glare at him without realizing it, but I don't blame him.

    "Thanks man, I'll see you tomorrow." Warren closes my door and I lock it and plop back on my bed.  I turn on the TV and watch some YouTube before I finally fall asleep again.  Tomorrow is a fresh day.