Life Is Challenging (RE-MASTERED)

Chapter 10: Depression Stamp

       The alarms are fading in the distance as I rush through the hospital to my mothers side. I can barely look at her knowing she'll never open her eyes again.  She'll never meet my girlfriend right next to me.  She'll never be able to tell me how much she loves me ever again.  Tears stream down my face.  The only parent I had left, is now gone forever.  The nurses and doctors rush into the room to check her one last time for any signs of life.  One of the nurses tells me to wait outside. I sit on the ground and start sobbing my heart out.  Chloe walks in behind me and sits down next to me.
   
     "Jimmy, I'm here for you, do you want me to call Max or Warren? I'm sure they'll be here in a heartbeat."  I get up and pull her arm to follow me. 
   
  "Chloe, my parents are both dead now. I just want you right now. That's all I need is you to be here with me.  Don't leave me, please don't leave."  The doctor comes out finally as I walk up to him and ask what's going on.
   
  "Your mother died instantly when she hit the ditch, a piece of glass pierced her brain and that was it. I'm sorry son, but there's nothing we can do."
   
    "Jimmy....." Chloe tries grabbing my arm but it's too far out of reach.  I sprint out of the hospital and just run. I Run for as long as I can.  I stop at my dorm for my whiskey bottle and then leave again.  I don't know where too and I don't care.  I run for what seems like hours until I reach the lighthouse.
   
   "I fucking hate my life, I fucking hate it.  I lose everyone I love, I'm not good enough to be loved by anyone. It's happening all over again." I cry to myself and start downing the whiskey. I chug until nothings left and toss it over the cliff.  I sit in the snow, cold, but I don't care. Cold, pain, heat it's all oblivious to me. It doesn't exist.  I pull out my razor, which I always carry with me and just pull my sleeve up.  I hear people calling my name. 
   
  "Jimmy!!!! Where are you? Come on out Jimmy.  We are worried about you." It's Max.
     
  "Come on man, you can't be doing this, we love you bro.  Please come out." Warren.
     
  My phone vibrates and I see Chloes name, she's sent me 20 texts and 30 calls.  I answer her call. 
      C: JIMMY!!!! where are you?!?! Please tell me. I'll be there as soon as I can. Max and Warren are already looking for you
   
  J:I'm at the lighthouse.
 
  C: Okay! We'll be right there.
 
   I'm still sitting in the snow when Chloe, Max and a tired looking Warren come running up through the forest. 
   
  Chloe collapses and hugs me tight, "Don't you ever run away like that again.  I was so worried.....  Wait, are you drunk?" I hug her back. 

  "I'm sorry babe, I'm really sorry, I ran to Blackwell and grabbed my whiskey, and dashed out the door to this place." Chloe sighs and just looks at me.  Knowing how much pain I'm in.
   
    "Hey jimmy, I'm sorry to hear about your mom.  Chloe told us what happened and we just wanted to make sure you were okay.  You can always call or message one of us if you need anything." Max said as she gave me a hug.
 
   "Thanks guys, sorry I worried you, but I'm fine now, I'm drunk as hell, but I'm fine." I get up and stumble, I forgot how drunk I really was.  "I just want to go to my dorm and sleep." I slide my razor back into my pocket, hoping no one noticed.  But Warren looks at me with a distasteful look and shakes his head 'no'. 
   
  We pile into Chloes truck, but Warren has to sit in the back.  I choose to sit in the back with him while Max and Chloe have the cab.  "So you didn't do anything did you?" Warren asks concerned. 
   
  "No, but I drank all my alcohol.  If I wouldn't have heard you or Max calling my name I probably would have died..... I still can't believe she's gone man, my mom.... just a couple hours ago we made plans to meet at the diner so she could meet Chloe." 
   
  "I'm sorry man, like Max said, if there's anything we can do. I'm right next door and she's a text away. We can both stanch the problem until chloe gets there if you need her to be.  We got your back Jimmy, that's a promise."
   
  "Thanks Warren, that means a lot." I hiccup after I say that.  As the truck pulls to a halt in front of Blackwell it's way after curfew so we all have to creep to our dorms.  Max leaves to go to her dorm, while Warren and I head to our dorms.  It may be winter break but it's still Blackwell, and school rules are still in effect.  Chloe is right behind us following close.
   
  "Chloe? Why are you following us?" Warren asks. 
   
    "To keep an eye on my boyfriend, duh. He's gonna need me for a while." She grabs my hand, which makes me feel reassured but I know nothing will ever be the same. 
     
     "Later Warren." I whisper as he closes his door.  "Come on babe, let's get to bed. I need to lock this day out if even for a minute."  I walk into my room and notice my window was open.  'Did I open that? Huh' nothing seems out of the ordinary, but I am too tired to care. It's late, I want to hit that pillow and be out for the count.

     I take my shirt and pants off and get in bed. Chloe follows my lead, she takes her beanie off and places it on my head.  "Goodnight my hella badass boyfriend."
   
  "Goodnight.... Chloe..." I turn over so she doesn't see the tears in my eyes. I feel her wrap her arms around me and feel her head lay against my neck. She falls asleep immediately and I soon follow, but good dreams aren't in my future.

    "MOM!!!!" I say as I see her car in slow motion hit the ditch and flip over.  A fire starts and I try running to it, but my feet are like lead bricks.  I can't move, all I can do is sit there and watch my mothers corpse burn up in the night.
   
   I can hear her screams for help, she doesn't want to die.  She doesn't deserve to die!!!

      "Hey buddy," the voice of my dad starts in my ear. "You know, I couldn't imagine losing my parents.  You need to keep your head high bud, if not for me, for your mom too.  We love you son, and we always will."  I feel the gentle trace of a smile spread on my face as another voice pops into the dream and rips it away.
     
    "Jimmy you are such a loser, we are done.  I never loved you or cared about you. No one does. You just suck at everything you do.  I'm just using you for sex and alcohol.  It's really hilarious how you are so sure we all care about you." I see Chloe and as I look at her face, I feel the words cut deep.  I know it's a dream but that doesn't make them feel any less real. 
   
     I need something to take the pain away.  I need to do it. One more time.  I jolt awake covered in sweat.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I inch over chloe who is snoring loudly.  I grab my pants and pull the razor blade out. My Guitar Hero Pajamas are sitting in the chair so I put them on and head to the bathroom. I swiped another bottle of whiskey and took a drink.  I guess I wasn't out of alcohol.

     I turn on the shower and start slicing my arm, and my stomach as I contemplate putting it to my throat.  I take another drink and drop the bottle, luckily it didn't break.  I feel a hand grab my arm and pull the blade from my grasp.  And feel a tight hug. "Jimmy, why?  Why would you do this? I was right there next to you, you should've woken me up."  I turn to see Chloe, tears in her eyes seeing me in so much pain.  "I wish I could take the pain away, I really do. I want to share it so you don't have to face it alone."  She hugs me tighter as blood gets on her, I try pushing her away but she won't have it.  She grabs my arm and scrubs my cuts until they sting, and then she moves to my stomach. 
   
    "Chloe I'm so sorry, I'm a sad excuse for a boyfriend. I had a nightmare.  I saw my mom's death in real time, and then my dad told me to keep my head high, but then you broke up with me.... it all felt so real."
 
    She stops my thought midsentence by kissing me.  "This. This is real Jimmy, what we have, that's real.  You are so amazing, you've switched my life around. Maybe not much but I haven't had alcohol, in months now.  That's unusual as fuck for me.  You make me feel all... warm, inside?" I smile as she purposely gets too mushy. 
 
   "Okay Chloe I get it. You aren't breaking up with me but, you are missing one thing. My mom passed away and I'm gonna need you more than ever when the funeral happens." She finishes cleaning my wounds as I turn off the shower.  I put my pants back on and peak around the corner. The coast is clear, we both head back to my dorm. 
  
     Today was depressing as fuck but good at the same time.  I loved spending time with Chloe but, I will never get over losing my mom.  I put on a fake smile and pretend I'm alright but, I am so far from okay.  I am just waiting for the right moment for another breakdown.  I hate my breakdowns but this one is gonna be inevitable, the funeral will be very hard.  I'm beginning to contemplate not going, but I have to. Chloe will make me.  As I ponder my thoughts laying there, I hear Chloe talk in her sleep, "I... hella... love... you... studmuffin." Inbetween her snores, I can't help but smile. 

     "This is a real thing, Chloe actually loves me and I've done nothing but hurt her lately.  My arm is a reflection of that.  I feel horrible but I'm so fucked up from the loss of mom, and believing I don't deserve to be happy." I project my thoughts outloud and Chloe turns over.  I smile as I kiss her head and finally drift off to sleep.