The Way We Feel

Chapter 9

The door opened, letting in the sounds of the city and a cool rush of air that sent a slight shiver up my spine.

But my body slumped when my eyes found a man in light blue scrubs and a white lab coat sliding his glasses up his nose to look at the menu above the counter. I lifted my coffee to my lips and watched him fall in line behind the middle-aged woman with what appeared to be a permanent crease in her brow, and the man currently standing at the counter giving his order to the barista.

I toyed with the lid on my cup and felt myself smile a bit.

Another coffee shop. Another important time in my life marked by my presence in one. Another bout of nerves taking up residence in my stomach as my hands curled around a hot cup of coffee, as the world went on around me while I sat waiting for someone I was eager to speak to.

I was more nervous this time than I'd ever been. Not because of who I was meeting, but because of what I had to say.

So, I comforted myself with thoughts—memories, really, from that first time I'd met Harry. Easy considering the smell was already the same. The aroma of coffee felt like a warm hug, and every time the door opened, I could imagine bells tinkling to signal the arrival of yet another customer looking for a caffeine fix, and felt a flutter of hope in my chest each time, just like I had then.

Looking back, I wondered where I'd gotten the balls to leave that first time. What had put it into my head that getting up and walking away was the best plan of action after determining that Harry Styles might actually have been flirting with me?

I laughed to myself now. At the time, I thought that leaving with nothing left behind but a note on the table had made me strong somehow. But now, I could clearly see how scared I'd been. How nervous I'd felt to have him look at me the way he had, knowing who he was, seeing the adoration from girls who knew him far better than I did—and how unworthy I'd felt to have his attention. I'd convinced myself that walking away was the right decision, the hard decision, and that I was strong for having made it.

But knowing what I know now, and having become the woman I'd always wanted to be, I could see that leaving that day was the easy choice. Staying, facing that fear head on, would have been harder. But it also would have been worth it.

The door opened again, and a harried-looking girl with her blonde hair in a pony-tail, small wisps of it flying around her face, scanned the shop until she found me.

I smiled. She visibly huffed and hurried over.

"Rough day?" I asked, trying to rein in my amusement as Emily dramatically shrugged out of her jacket so that she was down to her green scrubs.

"Busy," was all she said.

I felt like I could barely contain myself now that she was here. I was bursting at the seams with the information I'd been keeping to myself these last couple days.

"What'd you get?" Emily asked, nodding towards my coffee cup before I could say a word.

All business today, it seemed.

"Uh... coffee?"

She huffed another sigh and looked over at the line. "Think I'm gonna get food, too."

She walked away before I could reply, leaving me to laugh a little and shake my head after her. But I'd rather she be nourished and listening than hungry and distracted, so I told myself I could wait a bit longer.

My knee bobbed up and down under the table as I returned to my thoughts, my eyes on Emily's tapping foot at the back of the line.

It had been forever since I'd spoken to David, I realized with a bit of a knot in my stomach. And I wondered how he was doing. Last I'd heard from him, I hadn't answered, which was wrong and not like me. But then, I didn't know who I was during that time in my life. Which didn't excuse the fact that I hadn't gotten in touch with him since.