The Way We Feel

Chapter 44

There are days, and I've had my share of them, that pass in a crazy whirlwind of wrongness. They're the days that usually begin with a stubbed toe, or spilled coffee, or my daughter's loud, inconsolable cries. Sometimes, all of the above. They're the days that drag, minute by minute, towards the finish line, chock-full of phone meetings or real meetings, early flights, or disagreements with Mads that leave me with an unsettled feeling even if we've already made up. They're the days that can't end soon enough, and when they do, exhaustion can't pull you under quickly enough.

Today was not one of those days.

The sun was warm on my neck as I walked, then pretended to hurry into a sort of jog. The ball kept rolling farther away, and Lila's squeals behind me were enough to keep me chasing after it.

"Get it, Daddy!" she cheered, her small voice full of joy.

"I'm going, I'm going," I said, sparing a glance over my shoulder to catch her following me, the skirt of her soft, multicolored dress, blowing back against her legs as she ran after me, finally coming up beside me just as we reached the ball.

"I win!" she exclaimed, brushing her curls out of her eyes as she stood on her tiptoes in the grass, smiling proudly up at me from my side.

"Then you get it." I pointed at the soft red ball we'd been tossing between us before she'd decided to wind up her arm and throw it way out of range.

"No, you."

"No, you."

She giggled, reached up, clasped my hand in hers and tugged. "No, you, Daddy."

"Me?"

She nodded, smiling wide to show her off her mouth full of pearly white teeth.

"Alright." I bent down and picked up the ball with one hand, not letting go of hers. "There. Happy?"

Lila didn't answer. Just took the ball out of my hands and raced back towards where her mother was sitting.

"Hey!" I called after her, surprised but smiling as her little legs carried her forward faster than they should've been able to, leaving me with the sound of her giggles carried back on the wind.

Mads grinned at Lila as she approached our spot in the shade of a tree, and I jogged forward again, hot and tired already, my eyes moving from side to side, noticing again the attention of too many people around us. A knot tightened in my stomach, but I did my best to ignore it.

We'd chosen to come here. We knew the risks. But it was a bright, hot summer day, Mads was done with classes, and I had just gotten back from a week-long work trip in England for a shoot with Gucci. We just wanted a normal day together. A beautiful day together. And every day was, but when the weather was like this, especially after I'd spent some time away from home, it was even more important to us to spend this time together. And best of all, give Lila a new experience.

Not that we'd never brought her to Central Park before. But now she was old enough to actually enjoy it.

And despite knowing that there were all kinds of eyes on her toddling around barefoot in the grass, I found I was enjoying myself as well.

I focused on that feeling and stopped my eyes from swiveling back and forth, searching for cameras or too much interest coming from one particular direction. No one had approached us, and I didn't want to make eye contact and encourage it. Because if one person was brave enough to come over, more would follow. It was one thing for them to see Lila from a distance, to take their pictures of my family—it was another thing entirely for them to impose themselves on her life.