The Way We Feel

Chapter 14

My phone was ringing. It went off like an alarm while I was having a wee, and I cursed myself for leaving it out there, ringer on full blast, knowing it would wake Lila.

And when I heard her ten seconds later, I cursed whoever was on the line, too.

"Damn it,"I muttered, zipping up my trousers and flushing the toilet, then quickly washing my hands and ripping open the door.

Just in time for the phone to stop ringing.

I hurried through the kitchen to the den, where I'd left Lila asleep in her swing. Except she wasn't asleep anymore.

She was wailing.

"Okay," I murmured, unbuckling her. "Shh, it's okay, my girl. Daddy's here." I lifted her up, momentarily marveling at just how small she was, and how big she had gotten in her fifteen weeks here with us. "I've got you." I bounced her a little in my arms, hugged her close as she cried. "I've got you, my girl."

It was just me and Lila today. Mads went out with Glenne for lunch and to do some shopping. And while I had been a little nervous at the thought of being alone with Lila since last night when she'd mentioned it, things were going relatively well. Even though Lila had spit up on me already.

And this crying fit could've easily been avoided had I just remembered to put my phone on silent, but live and learn, I supposed.

"That's it, my girl," I said, bouncing her all the way to the kitchen, hoping with everything I had that this was just a small blip and she'd fall asleep again in a few minutes . "You're alright. Daddy's got you."

I lifted my phone from the counter with my free hand, and Mum's name came up on the screen as a missed call.

I felt a little sorry for cursing her since it had been a few days since we'd spoken. But I'd call her if and when I could get Lila down again. Regardless, I made sure to flip the switch so that it would be on silent before leaving it on the counter.

"Okay, sweetheart, okay," I said rubbing her small back gently. I pressed my lips to her soft head, pleased to note that her cries were quieting, becoming smaller whimpers now. Whimpers that promised sleep. "Shh," I murmured, wondering not for the first time today how Mads did this all the time, and whether she doubted herself nearly as much as I had today.

I was also feeling slightly sorry that this was my first time completely alone with Lila. Nearly four months into her life. I was trying to remind myself not to dwell on it, but rather, enjoy the moments I had with her today. And I was. But for some reason, my mind kept circling back to the regret.

When she quieted completely, I angled her so that I could see whether she'd fallen back to sleep, already guessing that she hadn't, since her head hadn't fallen to my shoulder. I loved when that happened—her soft, little head, warm and heavy against my body. It warmed my heart in a way nothing else could, and I loved kissing her all over when it happened. Because it was just another reminder of my love for her, and her love for me. Her trust in me—her father. Her comfort in my arms.

And every time it happened, I made silent promises to her with my kisses. Promises to always be there for her, to always welcome her into my arms, no matter how old she got, to always love her and protect her with everything I had.

Those feelings were even keener today. My first time alone with her. My first time being solely responsible for her well-being. It was one of the greatest honors of my life, but it was scaring the shit out of me, too.

"You're not going to fall back asleep, are you?" I asked, noting the way her blue eyes had stayed wide and locked on mine.

And they were blue. No matter what Mads might say.