The Way We Feel

Chapter 28

Two and a half weeks left. 

That was it. Just two and a half weeks, and then this would all be over.

Or at least, that's what I was telling myself. Just because I only had two and a half weeks left on set didn't mean that Mads and I would bounce right back to normal.

That she would bounce right back to normal. Which wasn't to say that she hadn't been "normal" these last couple weeks. She'd been as close to "normal" as possible—she still took care of everything diligently, especially things where Lila was concerned. She was present for our daughter in every sense of the word, doing what needed to be done, except when I made her take a break. She still cooked dinner most nights, and she still got a kick out of Lila eating her mushy peas and pureed carrots or apples or sweet potatoes or whatever. So far, Lila wasn't a fussy eater, and Mads also took great pleasure in saying that she probably got that from her.

But I'd still roll over in the middle of the night to find her side of the bed empty. I was noticing the dark circles beneath her eyes more and more. And when I walked into the house to find her dozing on the couch, Lila either in her arms, or looking up at me from her playpen, I didn't wake her. Just finished off whatever she was cooking and kept Lila with me until it was time to wake Mads for dinner.

Things weren't "normal" between us either. While we talked, we never really talked. And when she kissed me, she never really kissed me. And when she smiled, she never really smiled.

It felt like I didn't either.

I wish I could say it was nice to have the distraction of work. Nice to get away from the way I noticed how wrong everything felt when I was home. But it wasn't.

The closer we came to the end of this film, the more eager I was for it to already be over.

My phone buzzed as I sat down in my chair just on the perimeter of the set, already chugging a bottle of water.

Going well, Mads had texted back. Just about to put Lila down for a nap, then gonna try to sleep a bit myself.

I'd been checking in on her every day. Texting her here and there just to make sure everything was alright at home. Each time, she'd said yes. Sometimes she and Lila were out—either at the grocery store, or the doctor's office, or out for a walk—but most of the time they were at the house. No matter where they were, it was a comfort to hear from her. To know that they were okay.

Good. You need it, I typed back. Give Lila a kiss for me. xx

"Hey, uh, Harry?"

I looked up to find Vanessa walking towards me, what looked like her script rolled up in one hand.

"Hey," I said, setting my phone aside.

"Hey," she replied with a smile.

An awkward smile.

We were filming our kissing scene after lunch. The movie didn't have a big romantic arc or anything, but our characters certainly shared some chemistry throughout the story, all leading up to this kiss. But since this was more of an ensemble cast and an action-packed story, our characters' romance wasn't the focus—not nearly. So, I'd been telling myself I shouldn't be nervous.

But with Vanessa standing in front of me, looking all kinds of nervous herself, I couldn't help that I was.

"I, uh... Are you busy?" she asked, her eyes not quite meeting mine, instead going from my phone, to my hands, to my eyes, then back to my phone.