Last Bandit: Book 1 in The Bandits Series

Gimme Shelter

Chapter 10: Gimme Shelter ~

Popping pills is painless, which explains why I've never gotten into snorting coke, which burns your nose, or shooting heroin, which causes you to stick needles in your skin. Pills are taken in with a swallow. A simple swallow, just like eating and drinking. It's almost natural for me to swallow a pill. Down it with some whiskey and I'm set in space.

Hollywood is a drug factory, I've learned. Almost everyone here is high on something. For example, over the few weeks I've been staying with Roxie and Jasper, I've found out that her drug of choice is cocaine, and his is that also, but he enjoys toking on marijuana in the mornings and evenings. Roxie says Jasper and I are much alike with our towering height and the cigarette, or joint in Jasper's case, that's always found in our fingers.

Jasper and I are very different, though. I mean, in my opinion. He's got frayed blonde hair from years of putting product and bleach in it and running the straight iron through to give it some style. I've just got dyed black hair over my natural brown color. It's nicely messy as it is because of all the layers, but occasionally I'll add some shit in it.

He dresses very, very outrageously for such a timid guy. By his appearance, you'd think he's trying to attract attention, but whenever I see him receive some, he shy's away and sometimes disappears. Sure, I'm not too keen on a lot of attention either, but I don't go about making myself look like I want it.

Roxie and Jasper are very different too. She's very outspoken, while he's the opposite. She's wild, he's chill. She's got a southern accent, and he's got a Brooklyn one. She dresses like she works at the Geisha house with all the risqué, Asian-like clothes she wears. He dresses in mix-match, bright colored outfits with lots of scarves and blazers.

They both say I look different, but they can't detect the thing that's making me appear that way. Roxie always wants me to take my hat off to 'let my head air'. Jasper always wants to lend me a piece of his clothing. Perhaps they think doing that will make me fit in more. Perhaps they don't like being seen with an oddball like myself. I'm not changing. And I sure as hell don't think I'm better than either of them.

They do coke for fun. I do drugs as an escape, a medicine to numb me. It's quite pitiful.

I don't feel bad for myself. Hell, I'm the one who screwed me up. Some people are strong enough to pull through their troubles. And I've just learned to accept that I'm not one of those people. I've gotten used to the demons living inside me. Sometimes I call them my friends. I've realized others can't bare to feel that much anger, that much hatred and pain and sadness. Here I am. Living with all those feelings that I keep in a bottle at the center of my soul.

I'm very much aware of my well being and situation. Yet I ain't gonna do a damn thing. I have no ambition to. No will power or reason, besides Mary Ann. But I'm not strong enough for her. I'll try and try to beat my demons and flush them out of me, just like the same attempt I did when I was trying to rescue the relationship between me and my past girlfriend. That attempt had failed miserably, and I can't stand to have to feel that disappointment in myself once again. I can't bare to know I, yet again, let down someone I love dearly.

I think it's best if I leave Mary Ann be, let her regain her youthful, spiritual, believing mind. She's soon to grow up and realize I really was a fool. She's going to grow up and realize she was a fool for thinking she loved me. Of all the people in the world, why would she love me? I was the first to show her intimate love, and perhaps that's why she thinks she's in love with me.

There's no doubt that I'm in love with her. Jesus Christ, I don't think I've ever loved a woman this much. And I've only fucking seen her for about a day and night. I'm too attached to this sixteen year old queen. I've got to get away while I can, for her sake, and for mine also. If I broke Mary Ann's heart for any reason at all, my heart would shatter into a billion tiny, delicate pieces. And I truly believe my life would end at that point. I wouldn't be able to carry around the burden of knowing I damaged the love of my life.

I sit here on the apartment balcony that overlooks Sunset Strip. Inside, Roxie, Jasper and a few others are snorting a line of coke off of the glass coffee table. I can here them all laughing as their noses probably burn with pain.

In my hand are four pills, and I can't remember where I got them. I found them in one of my jeans' pockets just a few moments ago. They could be anything. But I know they're medicine and will make me feel better, so I swallow all of them, the trusty, always present Jack Daniels helping to wash them down.