Arms||Cake AU||

Chapter 40

First Arms update of 2018.

Joy was growing concerned for her son after he spent three days locked in his bedroom, refusing to leave for anyone or anything. Including his favourite Spaghetti Bolognese. When she did catch him returning from the bathroom, the first thing she noticed was the dark circles under his eyes, ageing him beyond his young years.

His eyelids were heavy with guilt and exhaustion. He hadn't slept for days.

Calum's mind couldn't stop drifting back to his brief kiss with Luke. Every time he heard his name, he could feel his soft lips brushing against his. It made his heart race and his cheeks flush. Every time he closed his eyes, Luke was there, pressed against the lockers with that desperate look in his stormy eyes. His hair was gorgeously tousled from the events of the day.

But with those images came the scene that played out afterwards, of the disappointment on Luke's face and the heavy guilt that settled in his chest. He'd kissed him and ran. He'd admitted to Michael that Luke made him feel at home. That feeling terrified him.

Calum hadn't felt at home since Carmen had died. His house didn't feel like home without her in it, especially when Mali was around. For 4 years, he hadn't felt at home anywhere and then Luke stumbled into his life, turning everything he'd come to know upside down.

Mali was having a field day in his brain. It was the same shit she'd been telling him for years, repeated over and over until he wanted to rip his hair out.

He was staring at himself in the mirror, with his hands tangled in his hair, tugging at the roots, when Joy knocked on his door. Mali was mouthing off in his head.

"Calum, can I come in?" Joy asked gently. There was a awkward pause as he stared at the door handle, before he told his Mum to come in.

"What do you want?" He asked grumpily, sprawling himself out across his bed in an attempt to look casual. Joy could see right through his act.

"I wanted to talk to you, to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine Mum. Honestly," Calum replied too quickly. Between the sigh his mother let out and the eyebrow she raised in his direction, he could tell she didn't believe his lie.

"I know the last few years haven't been easy for you, or any of us. And I know that having Mali in the house every day doesn't help matter either, but I want you to know that your father and I are here for you. You can talk to us about anything, okay?"

"Okay," Calum mumbled as he pulled his legs to his chest as rested his chin on his knees. Joy watched him carefully with a pitying look in her eyes.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" She asked, placing a hand on her son's shoulder.

"No," Calum lied. He averted his gaze to the opposite side of the room, chewing on his lip ring.

"Are you sure? You've been locked away in your room for the last few days without talking to us at all."

Calum shifted nervously. He hated the concern lacing his mother's voice because he knew never wanted her to worry about him. She didn't need his moody behaviour on top of everything else. Even without looking, he could see the barely concealed frown on her face.

"I-" Calum couldn't get the lie past his lips. He sighed defeatedly and lifted his head off of his knees. He met his mother's gaze with tear filled eyes and shook his head. "No," he mumbled.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" Joy had her arms wrapped around his shoulders and his head was leaning against her before he could fight it. As her fingers raked through his hair, he let the tears fall and a sob escaped his mouth.

"I miss Carmen," he whispered. "I miss her so fucking much Mum. I wish I could hear her silly nursery rhymes when she was supposed to be asleep, or see her little smile one more time because that would mean she wasn't dead and I wouldn't have a voice in my head telling me it's all my fault."

"I can't close my eyes to sleep without reliving t-that day. I can see her, lying in a p-pool of blood - her blood." Calum stopped as his voice faltered, straining against the lump in his throat. Joy continued to stroke his hair, occasionally kissing the top of his head comfortingly. Her grip had tightened on his shoulders, and he could tell he was upsetting her. He wanted to stop, to spare her the agony of remembering her dead daughter, but the words kept tumbling from his mouth.

"Everything Mali says is true Mum," he continued. "I should have told her to put a helmet on. I should have paid more attention to her. I-I'm a murderer and no one's ever going to love me if they knew that."

"That's not true," Joy told him firmly. "What happened to Carmen was a tragic accident. It was nobody's fault and don't let your sister tell you otherwise."

"She's in my head Mum. Everywhere I go, I can hear Mali's voice telling me how much of a fuck up I am. She reminds me every waking minute that Carmen died under my care."

He put on a high pitched voice, choking back another sob.

"You're a murderer Calum," he mimicked. "You should be locked up for what you did. You're dangerous."

"She never fucking shuts up and it ruins everything. I can't speak to Luke without her chiming in, and that makes things awkward and now I can't go back to school because I ran away and now he hates me and-" Calum clamped his hand over his mouth as his brain caught up with his mouth. A deep blush coated his cheeks as he looked away from his mother's curious stare.

"So, Luke's the reason you've not new at school. What happened?" Joy asked, not bothering to cover the curiosity in her voice. Calum shook his head, but did not move from his position leaning against her.

"I-it's not important," Calum stuttered. Joy raised her eyebrows at him.

"Really?"

Calum sighed and told her everything that happened the day he and Luke kissed, missing out minor details that could get him into trouble and the fact that Jake had cut Luke's cheek open.

"You and Luke are a thing then?" Joy asked after she comprehended what Calum just told her. He liked the way that sound, him and Luke being a thing. His face burned red at the thought.

"I don't know what we are," Calum admitted shyly, tracing a tattoo on his wrist. "I don't even know if he likes me back. I could have ruined everything by kissing him."

"You'll never know until you talk to him about it," Joy told him.

"But what if he rejects me?" Calum asked quietly. "He's far too good for me Mum, and I'm too scared of hurting him to let it go any further. I've never felt like this about anyone before and I'm terrified."

Joy was shocked by the vulnerability in his voice as he spoke. It reminded her that while he acted tough, he was actually crying out for help. She squeezed his shoulder tightly and promised herself that she would try harder to help him get back on track.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about Calum," she whispered. "From what you've told me, Luke likes you as much as you like him and he'd be lucky to have you."