Arms||Cake AU||

Chapter 46

Once the euphoria of getting it off of his chest had faded away, the hurting returned, stronger than it was in the morning. He shifted away from Luke as if he'd been burned by the crushing guilt in his heart.

What sort of brother was he, spending time with a boy on the anniversary of his little sister's death? Mali was right to hate him. He hated himself.

"Calum?" Luke asked gently, reaching towards him before changing his mind.

"I shouldn't be here," Calum whispered, fixing his gaze on his knees as he wrung his hands together. "Not today." He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, pulling at the ends as tears threatened to spill. "I'm the worst brother in the world."

"Don't say that Cal."

"Why not Luke!" Calum shouted, leaping to his feet. Luke flinched away, eyes wide. He prayed that Calum didn't see it. "I'm the reason she's dead and instead of mourning her, I'm making out with you!"

Luke blinked up at him. He didn't know when he started gripping the arm of the sofa but when he looked down his knuckles were white.

"I couldn't even hang around at home for breakfast today. I couldn't put up with Mali's bullshit for one fucking day, even for Carmen's sake. If I was a better brother I would have stuck around. I wouldn't have run away from my problems. Carmen wouldn't be dead!" Calum's knees gave way as his voice cracked and he fell to the floor. His shoulders shook softly as tears spilled down his cheeks. Luke immediately crouched by his side, forgetting that he'd been scared moments before. Calum needed him.

"You've got to stop blaming yourself Cal," Luke told him as he rubbed circles on his shoulder. "It was an accident. You said so yourself."

"I should be mourning her, with Mum and Dad, at the memorial."

"You are mourning her. I don't think you'd be in this much of a state if you weren't. I never met Carmen,  but I'm sure she'd hate to hear her big brother put himself down like this."

Calum let out a weak laugh, and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He peered up at Luke through tear soaked lashes.

"She would have loved you," he said quietly. Luke exhaled and looked away in disbelief.

"Honestly," Calum continued. "You're kind, and funny, and you're really tall. Plus, you have a cute dimple. She used to love poking at mine."

He reached up to poke Luke's cheek, causing his face to flush red. Luke swatted Calum's hand away and pulled his lip ring between his teeth.

"I would have loved to meet her. I'm sure we would have been great friends."

"Yeah," Calum breathed, looking at his knees again. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, before Calum jumped to his feet and offered his hand to Luke.

"Come on," he said excitedly. Luke furrowed his eyebrows.

"What..?"

"We're having our own memorial."

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The graveyard was empty when Calum and Luke arrived. Luke trailed behind Calum as he pushed the gate open. He watched as Calum's demeanor changed as they wandered deeper into the cemetery. He took his hands out of his pockets and started to fidget with his hands. Then he grabbed Luke's hand, gripping tighter and tighter until they reached their destination.

Luke had never lost a relative. Visiting a cemetery was a new experience for him. Carmen's grave was brighter than he expected. A cold, shiny marble slab hid behind several large bunches of flowers, in every colour of the rainbow. It was a scene similar to one of a fresh grave, the mourning of newly grieving family members, not four years down the line. Calum straightened a vase before running his fingers along the fur of a teddy bear.

"Hey Carmen," he said. "I see Mum and Dad have been. I'm sorry I wasn't with them, but Mali made it impossible-" He cleared his throat and glanced at Luke, who was hovering awkwardly. "Anyway, I brought someone to meet you."

Luke remained where he was, until Calum beckoned him forward and held out his hand. Luke took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled to Calum's side.

"This is my..erm..friend, Luke." Calum and Luke's cheeks both flared at Calum's comment. They both new they were more than friends, but neither knew exactly what they were.

"Hi," Luke mumbled. "I, I've heard some great thing about you. Loads of great things. Your brother thinks very highly of you Carmen."

A small smile pulled on Calum's lip. He let go of Luke's hand and sat, cross legged on the ground. He looked up at Luke and patted the grass next to him.

"So," Luke said as he sat down next to Calum. "Tell me all about Carmen."

Calum talked for hours. He told Luke every memory he held close to his heart, the ones he stories he hadn't told anyone for years. They were the memories that kept him going, through the tough times, when he couldn't get Mali out of his head late at night. He also told him all the little things, like how her smile lit up every room, or that she used to skip downstairs for breakfast every morning.

He spoke until his voice was hoarse and both of their cheeks were soaked with tears. With Luke's arm around his shoulder, he felt a lot lighter. He hadn't had the opportunity to just talk about Carmen in years. He didn't think he wanted to, because he'd only get upset.

But one thing Luke has taught him was it was okay to get upset. Sometimes, it's the best thing for you. Luke had never judged him for crying. He'd never told him to bottle it up. He'd always wrapped his arms around him and told him it would be okay once he'd let it all out.

He didn't realise it at first, but Luke was the positive force he needed, and he'd be forever thankful to have him in his life.

So we're #2 in the Cake tag and I'd like to thank all of you for your continued support, even through my terrible update schedule. I appreciate it.