These Lights

Fourteen: Dazed

"What...?" I was so dazed and lovestruck to really understand what he had said. My head was clouded.

He looked so angry with himself, and red, he looked away growling. Shaking his head.

"What the hell is wrong with me?!" I tried to shake off my feelings of pleasure but instead only sent electric shocks down my spine.

"I shouldn't have- What was I thinking?" He held his head and mumbled to himself, brooding in his own frustration while I was on cloud nine.

So much for that crush going away.

"You're probably so mad..." I heard him say and I finally managed to pull myself back down to earth.

"No. I'm not mad." I said slowly, placing my wording very carefully, I could not mess this up.

"But... I just.... how are you so calm!" He yelled in my direction, and it was a good question, I don't know how I was so calm, I just was.

"I'm not mad, Aaron, just confused. Why did you kiss me?" There, blunt, no dodging this question, I was screaming on the inside but on the outside I kept a straight face.

"I Umm.... I don't know! One second I was fine, nervous, but fine, then I'm kissing you, I don't know!" He was panicking, my calmness started to break, I was slowly dawning on what just happened.

"What do you mean you don't know? You asked me if you could kiss me! And I- I...." Realization fell upon me when I thought about it, I said yes, I gave him permission.

"I said yes..." He looked over at me with surprised eyes that went soft, I was looking down, I let him, I let him kiss me, and I knew it was wrong.

"Aph? I Uh.... think we need to talk.... about this." I refused to meet his eyes, this stupid twist in my chest kept getting tighter, this crush... or whatever it was at this point, was not going away.

"I hate it." I said aloud. And he was taken aback, a frown forming on his face. But I didn't care at this point, I needed to do something.

"What?"

"I hate this! This twist in my chest every time you speak to me! I hate the shock you give me when you just graze my skin. I hate myself for not hating you!" Of course yelling didn't make me feel any better, but getting that off my chest did, it's like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I flopped ungracefully onto the bed and buried my head in the pillow, grumbling.
There was silence. Deafening silence.

"Ditto." I heard him murmur, and I turned back to look at him, he was looking away, his hand gripping the comforter of the bed.

He doesn't say anything else, he probably couldn't.

"Heh. You know I'm not good at this.... expression thing." He glanced over at me and I... for once, had nothing to say, nothing at all.

"I'm sorry.... Maybe I should've told you the truth when you asked me.... if I loved you..." I gulped, I had a feeling I knew where this was going.

"And that would be?" I stammered, I felt like I was about to suffocate, Irene why was this happening?

"That I.... can't answer that question... yet, I don't know.... I don't feel with you what I felt with Lily." I knot found it's way into my throat, I felt like crying? Why? It's not like he was breaking up with me, we were never together.

"But... It's strange heh, I don't even know what this is, how I feel about you." He was breathless, but he was getting better voicing how he felt.

"You can try and describe it, you don't have to, I just wanna help." He smiled at me, before sighing.