Inside My Head

Chapter 7

We didn't say a word to each other on our drive home. We got home and sat down at the table waiting for everyone to arrive. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to tell everyone. I started to second guess even the thought of explaining to them what happened with my dad.

Will: Great now that everyone is here, let's get started. As you know, your mother and I are coming up on our 30th wedding anniversary. In honour of that we are going to get our vows renewed before you leave for Karaine. This is so that we won't have to come to Karaine and instead will have a second honeymoon for 2 weeks.
Dillon: Do we get to come to these vow renewals?
Olivia: Yes. We are having a huge party almost like a second wedding.
Jeremy: Sweeeeet.

We continued to eat our dinner. I stayed silent, deciding that I'd tell Dillon about it later and to let people know on my own time.

Gage: Jackie has something to say!
Jackie: *whispers* fuck.

I got up and retrieved the letter. I guess they'd find out eventually so I might as well get it over with.

Jackie: Yesterday I received a call from my birth mother. She said that my father had died.
Dillon: Jackie, Im-
Jackie: She gave me no other information except to check the mail box. I found a letter my dad wrote.

I placed the letter in the centre of the table and left the house. I needed to drive somewhere. Anywhere. I needed to get out of there before they started feeling sorry for me. The anxiety of it all was way too much.

Before I knew it, I was on the road to the Dolan Twins warehouse. I needed to see Grayson. Only he would understand.

I got out of the car and walked straight to their front door and used my key to get in. I walked in to find Ethan's hand covered in glass and the window shattered. Grayson was on the ground next to him looking hella beat up himself.

Jackie: NOTHING MATTERS!
Ethan: You matter.
Jackie: Fuck off you just punched a window. Did you think in that moment that I mattered? No you didn't.
Grayson: I CAN'T TAKE THIS BULLSHIT.
Jackie: Neither can I.

My voice broke on the last word and I crumbled to the ground like the both of them were. We stayed there like that for a little bit.

Jackie: My dad died. He wrote me a letter and told me he raped my mom and I was the product of that. I am a bastard. And finally, he told me my mom almost killed him which I already knew. The most shocking thing he said was that I am going to die next.
Ethan: Those are all lies.
Jackie: Says you!
Ethan: Okay to be fair I don't know that any of those things wouldn't happen. What I do know is I'm not going to let any of it happen. Your mom is never going to come near you. I know you're smart enough to not let her.
Jackie: Why don't you just worry about getting both your sorry asses to a hospital?
Grayson: And what are you gonna do? You gonna go home? Why didn't you just go there? Why did you come here? Wh-
Jackie: I DON'T WANT THEIR PITY!

It was quiet for a few minutes.

Jackie: I don't want them to think I'm a baby and they have to protect me. I came here because I thought maybe you, Grayson, could understand what I'm feeling right now. Clearly you have your own problems to sort out right now though. I'm just gonna go. Do me a favour and see a doctor.

I got up and started heading for the front door. Grayson got up and jogged towards me. He caught my arm before I could leave.

Grayson: No Jackie, I-

I pulled away and got into my car. I don't know where I am going, or when I'll be back, but I'm going.

----////----////----////----////----

Dillon: Where were you? Are you ok?
Jackie: I'm fine.
Dillon: It's 1 am and you just got home. You are not fine.
Jackie: Did you lose a bet or something so now you have to stay up and wait till I got home?
Dillon: No. Staying up to wait for you was my choice.

I tried to walk around him to go upstairs but he stepped in my way.

Jackie: Just please let this go for tonight okay?
Dillon: Answer one question first. Why did you go to our travel agent?
Jackie: sigh* I'm going to meet you in Karaine. Maven is sending one plane for the 4 of you and your plus ones if you choose to bring one. The other one he is sending for me. I'm going on vacation 3 days before we go. Then I'm going straight from there to Karaine .
Dillon: Goodnight.
Jackie: Good morning.

----////----////----////----////----

~*two days later. Two weeks before Jackie departs*~

Dillon, Gage and I were walking through the front door of the mansion, having just come back from the set of General Hospital.

Dillon: YO NATHAN! WHERE YOU AT BROTHA? I DIDN'T KNOW TODAY WAS YOUR DAY OFF.

It was silent.

Jackie: Nate?

Still no response.

Gage: He was probably called into work.

We went on with our business assuming he just wasn't here.

Gage: FUCK NO! No no no no no.

Dillon and I ran to the bathroom where we found Gage crouched on the floor... in front of Nathan who was lying in the floor.

Jackie: Did you check for a pulse?
Gage: I'm not an idiot. Of course I did. Do you wanna check my work little miss doctor?
Jackie: No.
Dillon: What the actual fuck...

They both sat there in silence, staring at their dead brother and the pills in his hand. I noticed that the mirror had writing on it in red. It said 'Bed'.

Jackie: Don't just sit there! Call 911! Call Mom! Call Dad! Call Jeremy!

At that they got up and got out their phones. I went into Nathan's bedroom. There was a pile of notes on his bed that each had one of our names on it.

----////----////----////----////----.

Jackie,

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. My suicide had nothing to do with you. You coming into our family and becoming my little sister made me reconsider but today, I couldn't hang on any longer. The daughter only I knew I had, died of leukaemia at age 4 today. Now I'm gonna be with her.

I love you and goodbye,
Nathan

----////----////----////----////----

I left for Toronto earlier than I'd planned on. I decided I wouldn't go see him but I'd text him to meet up with him after the show at his place.

Brynn: JACKIEEEEEE!!!

Brynn tackled me on her front door step.

Jackie: Heyyy!!! I'm so glad we're going to the show tonight together. It's gonna be amazing. He always is.
Brynn: I know. I'm so proud of all of you but I wish I could've seen y'all and been better friends with everyone in highschool. I felt like I missed out on friendships since I was older than y'all.
Jackie: That's understandable. Why don't we get some food before the show since I'm here early?
Brynn: LETS GOOOOOOO!