beloved ࿎ finn w

eighteen

"hit me," i replied.

"never mind," his eyes moved from mine to behind me. he smiled. "hey noah! save some food for me!"

he kissed me on the cheek and ran over to noah. i turned around to see sadie on my phone.

"this is so cute! what a great idea!" she smiled.

"thanks! hopefully finn doesn't notice," i laughed nervously.

instead of going to the movies with the girls, i went straight home. i wanted a day to myself. i sat on my couch and turned on netflix. i decided to rewatch american horror story for the hundredth time, starting with murder house. i started almost halfway through, because evan peters was my actual father.

while i was watching, wyatt and i were texting about ideas for dates. soon, i was giving him advice on a girl, alice. she sounded a lot like emily - sarcastic, funny, smart. then that turned into random conversations that were filled with memes.

the doorbell rang right before my least favorite part, which was ironically also my favorite. i haven't gotten through this part without crying. i opened the door and finn was standing there with a pizza.

"special delivery!" he smiled. i let him in.

"am i your only friend or something?" i laughed.

"something like that. what're you watching?" he asked, sliding the pizza onto the counter.

"american horror story, aka best show ever," i got paper plates out.

"never seen it, but i've heard you talk about it before."

"it's only my fourth time watching it. cmon, it's my favorite part - well, maybe."

we sat down on the couch with our pizza, and i played the show. soon enough, my pizza was gone and the tears started to fall.

"aria, tate is a murderer! how are you sad that violet told him to go away!" he shouted, laughing at my ugly face.

"can you not see that he loves her! he changed for her! innocent tate is coming out!" i fought.

"he killed fifteen people at school and raped her mom."

"but he's so hot! is she blind? no! she's dead! and tate was there for her!"

"i think you just like tate because it's evan playing him."

"bingo." i wiped the tears off my face. wyatt facetimed me and finn looked down, his eyes growing angry. however, he didn't stop me when i picked up.

"hey, noodle! what's up?" i smiled. finn rolled his eyes at the nickname.

"is finn there?" he asked, quietly.

"yeah, i am," he stated, bluntly.

"oh, then i'll call back later," wyatt winked. "he can't know about this."

"bye!" i ended it, turning to see finn pissed off.

"what was that about?" he asked. i didn't answer, hoping he wouldn't question a lot. i didn't want him to know i was asking him to the sag awards. girls don't usually ask guys; it would be fun.

"aria, what was that? why did he want you to call back?"

"because," i started, but i was cut off.

"because you like him?"

"no! i like you, finn! only you!"

"is that why he texted you all day yesterday, why you were smiling at your phone?"

"finn, it's nothing like that."

"then what's it like?"

"i can't tell you."

"then i'm going to go. i'm sorry."

"finn, please don't."

"did you ever think how this might hurt me, ar!" finn shouted, quite rudely. "you just text him in front of me! you didn't even try to hide it! i get it. i'll go!"

"finn, i don't want you to go. you just need to have some space," i attempted to calm him down, but failed.

"you're just going to crawl to wyatt - and forget about me!" he yelled still. i grabbed his hand, rubbing my thumb along his fingers.

"wyatt and i are just friends. i can't forget about you. about us. how could i?" i asked.

"because wyatt could convince you otherwise. he can give you things i can't. like whatever that call was," he spat. "i knew i should have never dated anyone. i made a mistake."

"fine, maybe he will. and i hope he does give me what you can't. that's peace. i want to forget you now, finn wolfhard," i let go of his hand, throwing mine in the air. "and maybe he'll understand that it's not my fault."

"okay, aria. i guess this is it. we are letting him get into our relationship - exactly what i thought. remember that night when you slept over? remember?"

"yeah, i remember."

"i whispered that i loved you, even though i knew you for almost two months. but two months is not enough time to love someone. and you taught me that."

"finn," i started.

"and i thought i loved you then, and i love you more now. but i just couldn't stop falling - and look where we are now.

it stung that i knew he loved me then and didn't tell me, but he still let go of me.

"maybe it's better that you leave for california soon, finn. goodbye."

"bye," he said, grabbing his bag. he ran a hand through his hair as he left my house.

when he left, i cried - and not because violate wasn't happening. because faria wasn't happening. i can't believe something i was trying to surprise finn with got in the way.

why didn't i just tell him? why didn't i just say it wasn't that? why am i thinking of this now? it's too late now. he won't believe it.

i looked at the open pizza box on the counter and more tears fell. i tried looking out the door, hoping, praying, finn was waiting there. but this isn't a movie. this actually happened. he's gone.

i crawled upstairs and stared at my ceiling. i lost the one person i loved. the one person i thought i could be myself with.

i blamed this all on myself. telling finn that i was only texting wyatt about the sag awards would be a lie. we talked more than that. this is on me. i ruined everything.

——

i woke up the next morning to a million notifications on my phone. i was confused at first, i hadn't told anyone. i clicked on a group message from the girls.

em🍟: whats this

millie🍓: ar??

sadie🐞: i think she's crying

em🍟: or eating her thoughts

sadie🐞: not the time. she probably cried herself to sleep

millie🍓: we are coming over tomorrow morning.

it was a screen shot of finn's tweets.

finnskata: just because i let go didn't mean i wanted to.
finnskata: everything is ruined.

i ignored everyone and tweeted on my own.

aria.campbell: never make the one you love feel betrayed, especially when you're the only one for them

i like to push people away.
and make mistakes.