beloved ࿎ finn w

twenty three

when i got home from set, i had to pack and then leave for the season three wrap up party. as much as i didn't want to go - i wanted to see finn before i left.

i threw all my clothes onto my bed, deciding which ones to pack. most of them reminded me of times with the cast, which was ultimately upsetting. i wasn't just leaving the one i loved, i was leaving all the people i loved. my friends, my family.

i didn't cry, i didn't smile. i felt like a pile of rocks - useless. i didn't even know if i wanted to go to toronto tomorrow. how could i?

soon enough, i was in a flowy dress (that was picked out by sadie and millie of course) and doing my makeup. i listened to my happy playlist, one that hadn't been played in a good week or two. i was lowkey in a good mood - not thinking about any of reality.

emily and i pulled up to the party looking fly as hell. i was proud of us. we made it so far. from the first conversation in the waiting room to our last entrance as a cast. we walked inside the small building and were greeted by millions of lights and streamers. they really put in work.

the first thing i did was look for finn. force of habit, i guess. i told myself not to and looked for the rest of the girls. em and i both didn't see them, so we went over to dacre and joe, who were eating.

after we were done talking to them, sadie and millie came next to us. they both wanted videos and pictures, so we moved to the dance floor. i tried my best to keep finn out of my mind, but he had consumed so much of it that it was challenging. i tried to find finn through the dance moves, and i did. he was by the "pure fuel" talking to caleb, who was glancing at me.

i danced and played the part of a happy girl who was perfectly okay, but i every now and then i had to stop. his words were in my head, his touch almost there. i wanted to know what caleb was talking to him about.

the whole party was filled with pictures, videos, cake, dancing, singing, and pranking. everyone was having fun - minus finn and me. every now and then i'd see finn sitting down looking down. it hurt like hell to see how much i hurt him. part of me wanted to believe he wasn't as broken as i was.

soon enough, we were all tearing up leaving the party. sadie wanted to sleep over - mostly because she wanted me to stay with her. i agreed, since my flight left at 1:30. we drove home and looked at pictures. sadie showed me pictures of her and finn, and finn was looking at something to the left.

she zoomed in and there was me, leaning against the wall. i'll admit it, i looked sad. (i looked good at least) the look on finns face wasn't sadness, more of happiness. like he was happy that i was hurting, too - that i knew how he felt. i tried to ignore the fact that finn and i didn't get a photo together the rest of the night.

when we got to my house, we both pretty much fell asleep trying to watch a movie. she didn't mention anything about leaving, she knew i didn't want to talk about it.

what made me want stay the most was all my friends. they all knew me so well, and i didn't want to imagine making friends with a whole new cast. we both fell alseep, but i wished i didn't.

——

"em? bitch getcho ass up!" i smiled. it was the day after the second day on set. i woke up to a text from finn. i still didn't know if i liked him truly - but he did make me super nervous.

"what," she mumbled. she wasn't a morning person.

"finn texted me!"

"what was it," she asked, suddenly more awake.

"a meme," i laughed.

"you two would be so cute, you know."

"i can't imagine it. he seems to like someone else."

my dream suddenly cut to me watching millie and him kissing. not just one day, but any scene in general. then it went to the day we broke up, something that i tried not to think of since.

——

i woke up, not feeling anything. sadie was up, frowning at her phone.

"good morning!"

"you sure it's good? you looked sad," i asked.

"it's nothing. can we talk about-"

"finn?"

"if it's okay?" she made sure i wanted to.

"well i am leaving today. we haven't spoken. i don't know if i wanted to."

"why not? why didn't you tell him you and wyatt were planning something?"

"i couldn't bring myself to talk to him. i know i should have. i just kept telling myself that i was talking to him. part of me was happy talking to wyatt. i misinterpreted our friendship."

"maybe he thought you were letting go of your relationship by not talking to him."

"if i was letting go i should've just dropped him. now i'm trying to pull him back - and failing."

"if you loved him-"

"they say if u love someone you have to let them go, so that's what i did. if they love you, you'd know that. i miss him, sadie. i miss him so much."

"then go talk to him."

"no he doesn't seem to want me back. he wants to let go. he doesn't want me."

"yes he does, ar."

"how do u know he wants me back?"

"i don't know. but i feel something will happen."

"i don't know how much longer i can wait. i'm leaving today. i love him. he hasn't left my mind. i'm always thinking of what he'd do in a situtation. part of my brain is functioning as his. he's not just on my mind, he's in it."

"and you're in his."

"i just, i can't shake it. i can't shake this feeling that nothing about us makes sense. it's like we were meant to break up."

"but that's the great part about love. it doesn't make sense. it does sound cheesy, but that's the truth. love is the best thing for you and finn."

"if love was the best thing, why did it end."

"you need to get out of your own head," she laughed.

"i wish i could," i smiled.

the next hours went by in a flash. sadie left, and i was leaving. my home wouldn't be my home for almost three months. i was leaving so many people i had grown close to. i only hoped that we'd get together again.

but some hopes are better left untouched.