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17

miles

silence.

that's all that was heard, the wind rustling outside, the tree hitting the window, the small sound of nightly-whimpers coming from the girl whom I had thought i could possibly feel better for.

maybe i was wrong, maybe she knew that i was wrong, i didn't get the way she did things. daily, charlie would wake up, take a shower, drink coffee, then blankly stare off into space for hours, as if the thing she were staring at were to get up and walk off.

it worries me, it does. but, what can i do? nothing. i've tried talking to her, she just shuts it down, like there is some off-switch or something.

charlie has  completely shut everyone and everything out, i just wanted to know what was going on in her head, what could possibly be happening?

it was almost nine in the morning, i had just made coffee for charlie and i, and texting her doctor at the same time. for pure safety reasons.

before we left the hospital, i had gotten the doctor's number, seeing if what she did was normal. he just told me that i needed to give her time, lots of time, and all i could do was watch her demons eat her up, still happy her heart is beating and blood was pumping.

it made me feel almost selfish for wanting her to be alive, to keep her breathing. i don't think it's for me, but for her. she'd miss out on so many good things.

charlie came out of her room, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and a yawn from her lips. she wore her purple-cat pajama pants and a tank top, the only fun thing about her now. charlie's honey-hazel eyes snap to mine, letting me take in her full face.

dark bags drawn under her eyes, chapped lips, pale skin, the weight in her face was lost, just like her colors. i had never seen anyone like this; broken. what could have caused this? she sat silently with her black coffee mug, sipping every five minutes.

"how're you feeling?" i ask, worry tempted over my voice as my words soothed through my throat.  that was the only question i really asked, earning a slight "better" or "okay".

this time; she shrugged. sighing from her own head. i didn't know how i could help charlie, i didn't know if i could. "do you want to go on a car ride o-or something?"

she hesitated, god, charlie questioned herself forever about this. i never rushed her for a reply. but she nodded, setting her drink down and getting up. "i'll go shower."

charlie

the water boringly stung my back as i sat in the tub, the shower rinsing away the smell of coffee. i felt cold as the steam violated inside the shower.

he thinks you're crazy, i thought to myself. maybe i was crazy? my arms wrapped around my knees, water dripping from my hair as i saw my life slip at the touch of my finger tips.

miles tried getting me out of my own head, a lot, it never really worked. he wasn't at fault here, i was. maybe if i listened better, or stopped drinking away that night, maybe if i stopped letting my troubled thoughts roam.

i would be fine.

i close my eyes, i usually did this. sat and pondered as water ran down my back, letting go of everything with each drip. my skin would be red by the time i got out, the hot water mixed with the pressure.

i let a single tear fall, not wanting to worry miles if i weep alone. my mind had so much to say, yet i couldn't make out the signs. i turn off the water, wrapping a brown cloth around my body to dry me.

after changing and cleaning up, i walk from the bathroom. i haven't touched my phone since i got out of the hospital, haven't made a video, any calls to family, i've ghosted.

"you ready?" i nod.

•

i rested my arm out the window, breathing in the scent of freshly cut grass as wind scooped my hand. miles drove down the highway, distantly listening to music.

i loved the drives, especially with miles, but all of my love was drowned in sorrow. he gave me time to recollect myself, collect my thoughts, which caused my words to clog in my throat.

miles was too important to me, i didn't want to lose him, but i didn't want him to be the words that clog in my throat and me surround his worries.  "i'm sorry."

faint, sad, short, and croaked. my voice wasn't stopped anymore, it was almost clear, except with the wind. miles pulled his eyes to mine, making sure that i actually said something.

speaking, for me, was difficult. i liked the feeling of it coming from my throat, the hum, the sound and volume. thhough, i didn't know what to say, the loss of breath.

"don't be." he sighed, miles focused on the road as did i. "just bring charlie back, don't let her get lost in there." don't let her get lost in there.

those words stuck to me like a reminder, or an alarm. the numb feeling at my finger tips, answered. the emotionless feeling, answered. the sad beat of my heart, answered.

the fucked up thoughts in my head, answered. the loss of words, answered. the dark feeling at the pit of my stomach, the cold blood in my veins, the small creeps in my bones, answered.

i wanted to tell him that i was trying, but all of my energy was used up, my mind broke her, miles. she's swimming in here somewhere, i'm looking for her- honest.

i fear she's already gone.

•

suicide hotline:
+18002738255

•

( 1-800-WANHEDA )