I killed my mate [in process, please be patient]

Casuality with strangers

Scott Fitzgerald once said: “In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.” 

I’m not a kid anymore, my most vulnerable years were the ones I started wondering why all the other kids had a mom and I didn’t.  My father at those days didn’t know how to sugar coat things, so he said it as it happened, she died right after giving birth to me. He kept trying to tell me, that it wasn’t my fault that she was murdered, but I stopped hearing after he said she died after she gave birth to me. Saying I was devastated after that wouldn’t be enough, I was on the verge of suicide for a few years, until I met Adrian, who then became my best friend.

That was the high of my fall, and that was when my father gave me the one and only advice ever: “Listen to me clearly Angelina. Crying and feeling responsible for the death of your mother won’t bring her back to life or give me my mate back. You just have to deal with the way things are. You need to learn that your heart should be kept closed and locked, is yours and yours only. No one should play with it, you should play with theirs. Don’t ever let anyone but your mate gets it broken, cuz only the ache of the true heart break will turn you into a machine, and depending on what you do after that happens, it could be a playing or killing one. Maybe even both, but after that happens, I can guarantee, you won’t love again, not the same way”

I was only eight when he said this to me, and at the moment I didn’t understand the meaning of it, but now I do.

Truth may be told that my father died one year ago exactly today. One year ago, I understood clearly what my father was talking about. I hadn’t been careful enough, I didn’t kept my heart closed and locked to myself; on the contrary, I open it as wide as I could and therefore was totally vulnerable and exposed to the ache; me, myself built.  Yes! My heart was broken that day, because I did not only lose my dad, but I also lost the person who was supposed to be with me through all. But instead I got stuck with a crazy mate, who will never love me; and who unfortunately for my consciousness, my sub consciousness will never stop loving him.

That is why I am not sure whether I will be both machines, because I am already a playing machine, the killing one isn’t me, yet.

I became a player ever since Jeremiah found his rebuffed mate, and that was, well, six months ago.

The only reason I started fooling around with him, was after feeling the fading bond with Daniel break totally, meaning that he and his precious little fake mate, had completed the mating, that was the fastest mating ever, but well he had screwed her before, the bond meant nothing to him. To me, however, was a reminder of the unstoppable and unceasing heartache that left an even bigger hole in me.

The fury and the recklessness I felt after that, lead me to losing my virginity to Jeremiah; which whom I created a bond with, not a mates bond but a really close friends one. I wasn’t shocked, I wasn’t even pleased, I couldn’t even tell what I was feeling; I just was totally sure that I didn’t felt special at all. Yes, Miah was kind to me, gentle even, but I wasn’t his mate, and neither was he mine; we weren’t supposed to be a match, that wasn’t the wish of the goddess, however we kept fooling around whenever we felt sad and alone until Jeremiah wasn’t available any more. The worst part of that was that, more than my screw buddy, Miah was my only close friend at the time. He shared his stories with me and I shared mine, until his over possessive mate found out about us, and she forbidden him to ever talk to me again, except when necessary meaning in training and pack meetings.