8:49 a m

loneliness.

     stop. breathe. cry.
  
   now, I have many stories to discuss. many memories to dissect further and many piercing ideas to submerge in but I'm falling in love with loneliness. i don't like to self diagnose myself as depressed, however, when im surround by your typical teenagers, I feel sick. i don't wish to throw up, but this sort of empty feeling that pins me to the bed harder than you ever have. a pounding in the chest at the gym when everyone stares at me, the fat girl running of the low calorie breakfast i never swallowed. this sort of need to sob myself into a tsunami of homework I haven't competed and i wonder why my grade is so low. that class is easy but nothing is easy, that day was so great why can't i have more of those? why am i so lonely?

      why am i the loser of the friend group? no i am not begging for sympathy for when i cry but I expect an apology when you find this and read this. a hug would be nice to and don't call me your friend when you're too busy picking out the best herb to smoke and i am researching one hundred and one ways why not to kill myself. i try to hide my scars, not with a smile like all those posts read but with cosmetics because god forbid you notice my imperfections.  i wonder why you call me so many names and leave me alone. i don't scar myself as deep as you'd like and my pain doesn't fit your expectations. i have been called names by you and I keep running back because of a promise you broke. i do not beg a friendship but i beg a response to why did you not text me on my birthday when I needed you most?

      i was raised around humans who fed off of me like a piece of meat on the dirty ground, collecting dust and thrown away memories from when you sat me on my counter and spoon fed me lies or when you forced your tongue into my mind as if i sniped off the training wheels on my high heels. but it's okay because i am a whore and a lard of fat that just wants acceptance. you would not give me that. you would twirl in reasons why men just want me for the lumps on my chest and I believed that I was even more of a skank, and you ask why I haven't kissed a boy yet.

       i wish i was better honestly. but visiting my school counselor always ends in me feeling like the bad guy because i should be the one responsible for my depression. sitting in the cold office with glares that eat me alive as my heart thumps harder than when my crush pins me down to my bed and slaps my mouth shut. why should i stay alive for nobody? it seems you are and will be happy without me, you may not even notice that i have disappeared the night before but that's a lie because ive been gone longer than before. just stare at me longer, and maybe you will read what is written in every chapter.