8:49 a m

leaving.

      chew me out, spit me out, piss on me

      you were my oxygen, and tonight my lungs are empty. you were my drug, cycling in my veins. the hallucination replaying every second. you were my will for my heart to continue pumping. you were the arms around me telling me I was okay when I really wasn't. but I mean, how can I believe that you ever loved me if you didn't notice my eating habits or my wrists. you didn't need me, you needed a backstory for your photos. I was the muse that never existed for you. my head was above water with you but you were the one pushing me down. you complained and I listened. I opened my arms and my legs for you but it just never seemed enough for you to devour with your beautiful smile but nobody could suspect you to be the one to hurt me so badly. my heart was open, soaking in every little compliment you told me. but my, every night I sobbed because you never loved me. did you really love me when you left me broken without stitches? did you really want to marry me after you left me buried six feet deep under your problems? did you feel good when you made me feel like I didn't matter? where were you when I wanted to die most? tonight is the night I push myself further under the surface.

         you stabbed into my porcelain skin and left me dirty and empty. where were you when I was contemplating my life? don't do drugs you repeated but how was I to satisfy me without the happiness that you failed to provide me with. I love you. you made me smile when I felt like dying but you gave me uncomfortable chills. I didn't remember the words allowing you to grasp my insecurities and innocence. who are you to abuse me? I didn't know what true pain was until you left me sobbing and bleeding last week. today was the day I yearned to hang myself. fucking sickening.

        and you. who are you to call yourself my best friend? when all you do is leave. I became a nothing to you, an annoying, disgusting, fat, nobody. all I do was try and please you, bowed at your knees to kiss your feet but you kicked the wind out of my lungs when I tried to breathe. you ripped me apart when you told me you loved me. I was nothing to you. all you wanted was to spend time with me but every time we did, you found a flaw in me. you found a way to torment me. you're happy, and all I'll ever be is miserable. I tried to find new friends but nobody is like you. what the hell happened to late night talks about our favorite tv shows? what the fuck happened to "oh please don't kill yourself". now all I can remember is how much you wanted me to fucking die. how much you wanted me to just end it, and maybe, I've gotten to that point too. I've looked up to you but ended up with a mouth full of sand and dirt. I don't know who you are anymore, but I still love you, no matter how much you hate me. no matter how badly you want me to disappear, one day, your dream will come true.

         stop throwing me in the deep end, you know how much that hurts. both of you. thank you for leaving me broken on the bathroom floor, chewing on a cigarette that replaced my last two meals. It's funny how when you wanted to die, I was on the phone all night but when I want to slit my wrists, I'm nothing but a loser for attention. I just wish I wasn't alive anymore. bury me with all the apologies of tomorrow and stuff my mouth with all the reasons why I'm the bad guy and you're the royalty. do all the talking and I will be listening. I'm empty, thank you for taking away my light.