8:49 a m

bruises.

      one. two. three. repeat.
   
       I wish I was better at explaining how I felt but this feeling so gloomy, murky and dark really aches at me. it's like a dirty snake inching up my spine, it's an unknown voice speaking words of my goring weight into my head and it's nights listening to Catfish & The Bottlemen while staring so depressingly at the sunrise every morning. I haven't slept so long that I forget what it means to dream and pretend. my friends really think I'm a freak, I don't pay attention to that as much anymore. my best friend replaced me with another and everything seemed to change. as if I was learning to skateboard, bruising up.

        years spent creating art on canvas and weeks and weeks were used to please everybody but why do I need to please somebody instead of myself. I'm so undoubtedly unhappy with myself that whenever I stand in front of a crowd, a knot builds up in my throat and I lose the need to speak at the moment and all I can think of is how not to break into tears of champagne and sex. I built myself on tongues in my mouth and unexplored parts of my body. I was supposed to save this glory for a man but this victory was soaked up in my unholy needs for bigots like them and secrets were stored, but it was not for long until the entire school began to beckon me as a slut. it's a shock that whenever my favorite teacher calls out MY name instead of something beginning with a 'w' or a 'h'.

      I'm really tired and upset. curling up in the same bed for the past two years just wishing for a better life. It's funny when it seems crashing down and those who title themselves as friends could care less wether the only thing on my mind is to disappear. not to die, beg your pardon. but to take the train to unknown land where I can explore streets that I've never photographed and see people I've never even heard of before. to say hello to that coffee shop man who smiles with bright white teeth. draw and paint undiscovered stories onto fresh places and mark my hand on a land so beautiful. it's moments like this I want to swallow and remember. but why am I drowning? drowning in loathing and pain. I don't understand how everything began to change when my breasts developed and when my mind began to flare in sparks.

four, five. could you help me?