(Jenna's pov)
Jump.
What if you jump?
The world will be free of you if you jump.
You'll be free of the world if you jump.
Take me out.
This waste of a life will be finished if I jump.
I felt someone tap my arm. Ouch. That hurt, but it wasn't that hard. I'm not crying anymore. I ran out of tears. "Jenna?" Tyler. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. He should leave. Leave before it's too late. Leave before I ruin everything. Leave before I ruin him. But I don't want him to leave. He was all I had left right now. At home I might have a loving family, but they love my sister way more. At school they all ignore me anyways. I am invisible for literaly everyone except for this boy. I mean there is of course Maddy. But she doesn't see me like Tyler does. The silent boy who is now sitting next to me in a tree, in the pouring rain. He should go home, put on dry clothes, warm himself up. He doesn't deserve this. Somewhere inside me the feeling began creeping up where started to think he might just be as unhappy as I am. That would be a disaster. He can't. He shouldn't. I turn my head to him. "Tyler." I felt new tears coming up but tried to swallow them. "What is going on in that little head of yours? What could feel so wrong to you that makes you feel so so bad that you ended up here in this tree iin the pouring rain, sitting alone, crying." I stared him right in the eyes. Beatiful brown eyes which makes me feel safe and which make him appear so trusted and kind and he's everything and nothing all at once and to be honest I would kill to see these eyes sparkle when he actually smiles. But he doesn't do that. He doens't realy smile. Just like me. I have never recognized so many things of myself back into another person. I mean I have, but not inn this way. Not the mental side, not the way I actually think. He seems to unnderstand, "I do. My head drives me crazy. Sometimes I just want to kill my own mind. I sometimes feel like that would be the only option to stay alive. But yu cant really kill your mind so why wouldn't I just die. I figured I could better jump. It would be best for everyone, I am really just a burdain and you shouldn't be around me because my mind is so damaged that I'afraid it will affect everyone that comes near me. I make everything crazy. I shouldn't be here. All I do is ruin peoples days." "Yet you made mine. You are such a broken person, maybe. But the therm broken doens't make you who you are. You are Jenna Black. Not some disorder or some mistake, no. You are you and you do whatever the hell you like. And if people do not like that, then well let them be, let them say whatever they want. You may have a disorder and you have to live with that, but don't forget that the disorder doesn't make you who you are. you make you who you are and you shouldn't let anyone else decide what you do in your life becaue it is your life and not theirs. You are Jenna Black and you have the freedom to do literally everything you want." I was perplexed by his ways. His words, chosen soarefully, he feels almost... unreal.
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(Tyler's pov)
You just told her that.
Why do you not believe yourself?
Why do you not believe in yourself?
'You have me.'
And Blurryface was a part of me and that was something I couldn't change.
'I am not just a part of you. I am you."
My eyes were wide open and I felt real saying that to her. She should know that she's special and she's worth the living. She deserves the world and more. I wanted to convince her of that so baf but I know, I know how hard it is to believe, especially when you hear it from someone like me. Bipolar disorder is inside of me and she should believe me? I am so stupid. Why would I even think she could believe me. I won't be able to convince her and I don't think this makes her feel better. This is probably even going to make her feel worse. I just told her she has a mental disorder, but she isn't even diagnosed, I think. Stupid stupid stupid Tyler. Don't tell her stuff anymore. Don't-
My thoughts were interruppted by her question. Why did she have to think like that. She was the same as me. Her mind worked the same as mine. It can't be. It shoudn't be. "Do you believe in time?" Do I? Time. "No." Time is not real. Just like a whole lot of other things on this miserable earth. "Time is something humans set up. One of their tricks to make it all easier. We want lie to be easy and we don't want to think about stuff too much because everyone would go crazy and society would crash. But we think about stuff. More than others. And I have not decided if that is good or bad, but I know it doesn't really make me feel that awesome to be honest." "I don't know how to progress all my thoughts. I just feel so worthless. I barely sleep, I always think so much. I try to sleep with music most of the time, but there isn't really music that helps me find answers, that's what I heard others say. They listen to it and it like helps them bcause they relate or somethinng. And I get that, but no one seems to dare to write about everything we talk about. And I mean Green Day and bands like that help, but they do not have the meaning I want to fiind in songs. And I try so hard to write it down myself but I can't and I'll tear the piece of paper apart nd cry my eyes out again on repeat. I just want to find something. Something that would actually help, not numb me, not take the pain away for just a moment, but something that would actually help me over time. That's all I wnat to find." I nodd in agreement.
(a couple minutes later)
"I write it down." She looks up at me. "Huh?" "The stuff you talked about. I write it down. I feel so so down and I can't seem to find the light. All the people seem to just fly right to it. And I try so hard to fly, but my heart won't go very far and my own two hands will just start bleeding again and the floor will turn to a hole in the ground. And I can't get out of the hole. It's an endless pit of darkness and I can't get out. I can't get out and I can't find the light. It's like I am lost in a dark forest that is bigger than everything you could imagine and I feel like I will never ever get out of it in time. I feel like there will be an end. I could end it soon. If I just died, it would all stop, we suppose. But what if it doesn't. What if God sends us to a place where the pain will still go on, because we took our lives before God said it was time. Everything was planned by Him. Even accidents. But suicides are different. Suicide is the worst crime you could commit. You hurt many many people they say. You will go to a bad place and it won't end anything. It's only just the beginning of your never ending hell. Can you imagine that, being dead. It's just as weird as being asleep. You literally don't feel anything for the amount of time you're asleep and you don't notice anything when you wake up again. You don't feel anything. It's peaceful. You don't feel or think or worry about anything. You're free from everything for a certain amount of time. I hope that is what death is. But since no one knows I am not trying it. And you shouldn't either." That probably scared her. I have never opened up to someone about any of that and it feels weirdly good. I want to cry laugh and scream all at once. I wasn't happy, but at least I had someone who actually fully understood what I was saying without judging or labeling me. I felt like she really accepts me for who I am. No one ever fully did. She was different and I started wondering if she was even real.
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( A/n )
Heeeeey, updated again, I don't know if anyone ever reads this, but I reaally enjoy writing it. I try to update every day and yes I made that reference to Hole in the ground because I can. These songs are emotional for me but I try to use them as much as possible, because they are awesome. I don't know if you feel uncomfortable reading this or annything, because it's maybe written a little triggering or anything, but these topics are real things and people need to open up about this more. People who haven't been through any form of depression or something like that can study ehatever they like, but I don't think they will actually know how those things feel. No one can really place these feelings and I'm trying to write most of this, but putting depressing thoughts into words is pretty hard. Tyler's lyrics are so beautifully written about such heavy topics and I respect that so much. He put it all in words and twisted it up a little, but it helps people and I think it helped him too. So I'm sorry if this thing bothered ou in any way. I understand, I'm here for all of you. If you feel depressed or do something like selfharm, please please please stop. (DM me via Instagram if you need @jennas3amfood) You're worth everything and please stay alive. I really do like writing this. So if uyou like it too, continue on reading I guess, I'll try to update as much as I can. Stay alive please, it's worth it, I promise <3
