Theta Twelve

Mister Mum

With time literally at a standstill, they could only assume that from their rumbling stomachs it was right around noon. In between working out a way to restart time, Kryten made lunch for each of them. Lister was having his special, The Full Lister, Cat was eating a bowl of crispies and milk, Aria was too worried to eat, and Rimmer was working on his seventh bowl of chicken vindaloo with such gusto, you'd think he hadn't eaten in weeks.

"Since when does Grand Canyon Nostrils eat curries?" the Cat wondered while slightly gawking at the hologram.

Kryten leaned in toward Rimmer and asked, "Sir, are you feeling alright?" Even though he knew the hologram had something going on, he wanted to hear it from him.

"You might wanna slow down, man."

"Nah!" Aria drawled, then started talking as if she was gushing over an adorable baby. "Let him stuff his cute face." She then smooched Rimmer on his left cheek, to which he reeled away from without taking a break from eating.

Rimmer reached out across the table, barely lifting himself off the seat, and grabbed a jar of pickles. After opening and hearing the pop of the seal breaking, he bit down on one of the long, tangy pickles; a satisfied moan accompanied the crunch of his teeth piercing the skin, as though he were having an orgasm. Once he swallowed, vinegar temporarily burned his throat and heat rushed to his cheeks.

"You're gonna ruin the curry, man. Give me those." Lister grabbed the jar and got up to put it away in the fridge.

Rimmer's gaping mouth snapped shut just before his lips began quivering. Hologrammatic tears made his eyes shine as he whimpered.

"What's wrong, Non-bud?"

Aria swiftly rose to her feet and swiped the jar of pickles out of Lister's hand, then plonked it back down beside Rimmer's food. Now he was sobbing for another reason: he was grateful.

"What's up with him?" Lister asked, gesturing his hand toward the overemotional hologram.

"According to the psi-scan, it appears that Mister Rimmer is—"

"Uh, Kryten? A word in your ear... speaker... thing, please?" She jerked her head to the Officer's Quarters door.

Kryten waddled after her and stopped beside her. "Is something the matter?"

"You know, don't you?"

"I'm not sure I'm following you, Miss Harkness."

A groan accompanied a roll of her eyes. "Oh, come on. I know you know!"

His eyes narrowed. If he had eyebrows, one would most certainly be raised in confusion. Before he spoke, he slightly tilted his head to one side as if the change of head position would allow him to understand. "What exactly do you know I know, ma'am?"

"I know you know that," Violently, she pointed at Rimmer. "You know!"

"Oh, yes. That. Well, the psi-scan—"

Once more she groaned, frustrated. "Yes, of course, the bloody psi-scan. Damn bloody thing knows bloody everything, doesn't it?" she groused.

"Right down to how many stamps away you are from winning a free sub sandwich, ma'am, yes." Kryten glanced beyond Aria's shoulder, observing Rimmer happily shovelling in food while Lister watched in horror. "I take it nobody else knows."